By Cayla Goh (25A01B) and Janarakshini Gnanaprakash (25S06G, Peer Helper) 

Your resident Aunties and Uncles are back with our Ask Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset column, this time as a collaboration between Raffles Press and Peer Helpers’ Programme (PHP)! Ever wanted to rant about that someone you just can’t stand? Overwhelmed with too many feelings? Submit your confessions to https://tinyurl.com/RIAAUU and we’ll give them our best shot. This column will be published at the end of every month

Dear Overthinking Oliver, 

Wanting to belong and be accepted is a natural part of being human, and when that doesn’t happen, it can feel incredibly painful and isolating. Please don’t blame yourself for these emotions—they are valid and understandable responses to the situation you’re facing. While it may be hard to see right now, this isn’t a reflection of your worth as a person. 

The actions or attitudes of your classmates or CCA mates don’t define your value. I encourage you to be kind to yourself during this time and avoid self-criticism. You are so much more than how others perceive you.

Understanding the Feeling

The feeling of being unwanted is something many people experience at different points in life. You are not alone, and this feeling is nothing to be ashamed of. The key is to approach this feeling with self-compassion rather than self-blame.

These emotions may arise from various factors—perhaps you feel overshadowed by your friends’ romantic relationships, or the social dynamics around you have shifted in a way that makes you feel left out. Whatever the root cause, acknowledge that this is a natural reaction to a challenging situation.

When it comes to romantic relationships, remind yourself that they require emotional investment, and it’s okay if it doesn’t feel like the right time for you to pursue one. There will be a more suitable time in the future when you can explore these experiences at your own pace. For now, seek reassurance from the people who care about you, and be patient with yourself as you navigate these feelings.

Seeking Support

Reaching out to trusted friends and family for reassurance can be incredibly helpful when you’re grappling with feelings of unwantedness. Surrounding yourself with people who genuinely value and appreciate you can provide the emotional support and perspective you need during this time. 

Whether it’s a sibling, parent, or close friend, leaning on your loved ones allows you to process these complex emotions in a safe and understanding environment. Their empathy and encouragement can remind you of your worth, even when you’re doubting it yourself.

Additionally, engaging in communities or activities where you feel a strong sense of belonging can help rebuild your confidence. Whether it’s a hobby, volunteer work, or a new interest, surrounding yourself with positive interactions can counteract feelings of isolation. Actively seeking out these sources of support can help shift your mindset and reaffirm your value.

Have Some Me-time 

At the end of the day, you have yourself. 

I won’t preach about the importance of loving yourself, because that’s a journey that takes a lifetime’s worth of effort, and it is always easier said than done. But what’s important is to find activities you like to do on your own – go for walks and watch as the sun paints the buildings a shade of gold. Listen to music, read a new book. Play a new sport. Watch the stars. 

While the loneliness might not go away at first, having activities that keep you engaged can help remind you that you can find passion in other facets of life.

It’s hard to divorce yourself from others’ opinions, but finding value in spending time with yourself is a way to ease its weight. Maybe you’ll find something about yourself you didn’t know, maybe you’ll feel emotions you haven’t before. Before self-love, being fine with just being yourself and by yourself is a huge step. Enjoy your own company.

Others’ presence – although integral – should be a complement, not the foundation of your self-worth. Of course, it’ll take time for you to realise this and the journey might be rocky. But, it’s possible by daring to do so and encouraging yourself on the way. 

At the end of the day, you have yourself – but this doesn’t need to be a bad thing, does it? 

Consider Counseling 

If this feeling is consistent, you may want to consider going for a counselling session. Going to counseling seems nerve-wracking at first. This is especially with the prospect of being vulnerable in front of someone you’re not familiar with, as well as the subconscious shame of needing help. 

However, going to counseling might help to provide applicable and actionable solutions for you, gaining reassurance from a third party in the process. It might also help you to put things into perspective. 

I gently remind you that there’s no shame in doing so. Still, this is a very personal decision and you should choose whatever feels most comfortable for you. 

If you would like to sign up for a counseling session with the RGC, sign up with this link.

Conclusion 

Feeling unwanted is one of the easiest emotions to fall into, and remain in. You craft the narrative that you’re unwanted, and then every negative action after serves as cold-hard evidence. You watch other people find that sense of belonging, and there it is – more proof that there’s something wrong with you, that you’re a side-character, belonging not with people, but the background. 

But that’s the illusion of it. Likely, you’re more wanted than you think you are. Feelings may not accurately reflect the situation you’re in, but more of how you view yourself. 

You might be unconvinced – what if there’s just no evidence of being wanted then?

That’s okay too. You’re no failure for not being able to establish connections right now. You’re a teenager, you have your whole life ahead of you; There are so many more opportunities to find people, to find that sense of belonging and love that you’re craving for. There are always beginnings to be found – even tomorrow. 

If you keep punishing yourself, there’s little you can do to see past the heaviness of it. Cycles can be broken out of, I promise.

You have the ability to love and be loved, and there are people who are waiting for you to learn that fact. 

In fact, some are even closer than you think. 

If you need anyone to talk to about any issues you might be facing, do drop by My Rest Space near Marymount gate and talk to one of our peer helpers! We’re open on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 3 – 5 p.m., and Wednesday 11.00 a.m. – 1.00 p.m. If you would like to meet a peer helper on a regular basis, do email us a request at rafflesinstitutionphp@gmail.com or fill in our request form at our website: https://rafflesinstitution5.wixsite.com/rafflespeerhelpers