By Chandrasekaran Shreya (24S06A), Archita Ravisankar (24S03R, Peer Helper)
Your resident Aunties and Uncles are back with our Ask Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset column, this time as a collaboration between Raffles Press and Peer Helpers’ Programme (PHP)! Ever wanted to rant about that someone you just can’t stand? Overwhelmed with too many feelings? Submit your confessions to https://tinyurl.com/RIAAUU and we’ll give them our best shot. This column will be published at the end of every month.
How do you get over the feeling that you are constantly disappointing your parents?
Disheartened Dennis
Dear Disheartened Dennis,
The feeling of having failed someone. The crushing weight of knowing that their disappointment is an inevitability. The bone-deep weariness of accumulated failures on one’s shoulders. What must it feel like to, for once, meet someone’s expectations, to make them proud?
In JC alone, there are countless instances where something’s at stake–something to gain, something to lose–and, naturally, expectations are bound to arise. Coupled with the pervasive tiger-parent, kiasu Asian culture that influences family and society, we find that it is often our parents who have the highest expectations of us. And from a young age, too.
The fear of failing to meet those expectations can be debilitating. And when we fail to meet them, the impact of the fall is agonising. For some, that disappointment clings to us and lingers throughout our everyday lives, even when there’s seemingly no reason to feel that way. So, with that said, how do you get over that feeling?
Making sense of your own feelings
First and foremost, let yourself feel. Oftentimes, our instinctive reaction to having ‘failed’ something would be an emotional response. Breaking down, yelling into a pillow, venting over text messages—whatever the response may be, indulge your feelings for a while.
While suppressing these and jumping straight to rationalisation may seem like the more ‘mature’ route to take, it’ll likely be detrimental in the long-term. Instead, letting yourself freely feel could lend you more clarity of your immediate feelings regarding the situation you’re in.
With a better grasp of your exact feelings, you can then proceed to rationalise the situation you’re in, once those initial emotions subside in intensity.
Dissecting the days before your disappointment
Identify the exact trigger that gives rise to these feelings. Is it an examination you didn’t perform well on? A match or performance you’d botched? Perhaps it’s something less exact, less situational, like that feeling of being a disappointment accompanying you through the motions of your day-to-day life. Or maybe it’s a mix of all these scenarios.
With those triggers in mind, look at the bigger picture. What circumstances did you find yourself in when those ‘triggers’ occurred? For instance, say you failed an examination. What were the circumstances surrounding that? A CCA schedule that kept you occupied on a day-to-day basis, stacks of lectures and tutorials you didn’t have the time to complete, or even environments and moods unconducive to your learning. Zoom out from the exact moment of disappointment to identify the circumstances leading up to that exact moment of failure, and consequently, understand why that moment occurred.
Try to pinpoint the nature of those circumstances, too: were they within or beyond your control, or a mix of both? If you couldn’t have acted otherwise, rationalise that the ‘blame’ accorded to you for failing should be reduced. We always lament that we could’ve done better, but in hindsight, when taking into account the exact circumstances we were in, could we have really done better? There’s no shame in admitting that we did, perhaps not our best, but simply what we could.
Making sense of your parents’ feelings
Now, you should have a clearer understanding of your feelings, the exact reason(s) why disappointment might’ve arisen, and the circumstances leading up to those. With these established, let’s move onto the next hurdle of introspection: understanding our parents.
Well, that’s a daunting one to cross.
First, have an accurate grasp of your parents’ expectations of you, especially if they tend to be implied rather than explicit; this will likely require direct, face-to-face conversations with them. More often than not, their expectations may seem too high, and we’re quick to picture worst-case scenarios where we inevitably disappoint them; but remember to take this a step at a time.
Based on your assessment of the circumstances you’re in, are your parents’ expectations of you realistic? Do you believe you’re capable of meeting them? And importantly, do they line up with your own personal expectations?
Considering the aforementioned might give you a clearer idea of how much weight you should be placing on their expectations–if they’re important, or even necessary. If disappointing them seems like an inevitability, rationalise that it isn’t quite fair to torment yourself over something you clearly can’t control.
Internalising this is indeed difficult, and it will take conscious effort and time. Remind yourself not to exert too much energy on meeting expectations beyond your reach, and don’t let any failures that befall you dampen your morale. After all, if succeeding at meeting those expectations was never a possibility, can you truly say that you’ve failed them?
Hopefully, realising these will help you feel more secure in your own abilities, and lessen the disheartenment that comes with meeting your parents’ disappointed faces.
Ridding yourself of parental disappointment; ridding your parents of disappointment
While the aforementioned helps you cope with your parents’ disappointment, it does not address the issue of your parents being disappointed in you to begin with.
Once again–and this might be a bitter pill to swallow for many–this will require honest, direct communication with your parents. Do you absolutely know that they’re disappointed? It’s natural for us to assume someone’s disappointment in us when we don’t meet their expectations, but refrain from jumping to conclusions. Try asking your parents, outright, what their thoughts on the matter are.
Disappointment likely isn’t the only emotion they’re feeling, or even their dominant emotion. It’s important to accurately understand our parents’ feelings, rather than assume them.
If they are, indeed, mostly disappointed in you, let them process their feelings for a while before initiating another conversation–this time, about looking towards the future. After all, disappointment isn’t necessarily a productive or constructive feeling; it could very easily be the opposite. Talk your parents through what could be done moving forward.
If you know that their expectations were, indeed, realistic, but you simply failed to meet them, acknowledge that and explain why it happened. Hopefully, your parents will appreciate this honesty and be open to hearing your perspective, potentially rectifying any false assumptions they might’ve had of you. With everyone now looking at the same picture of the issue-at-hand, you could then consider creating a ‘game plan’ of sorts to improve, and share with them what your proposed solutions are.
However, if your parents’ expectations were never realistic to begin with, confront those expectations, and negotiate lowering them. Their unrealistic expectations may have likely stemmed from a misunderstanding of your abilities and/or circumstances, so be clear in outlining these to them, and explaining how they might impede your performance.
Ideally, your parents should understand where you’re coming from and adjust their expectations accordingly. Even if it may seem like a ‘loss’ or ‘failure’ to have to lower their expectations to begin with, at the very least, it reduces the likelihood of disappointment arising in the future.
While the aforementioned two methods intend to ensure that your parents’ expectations are realistic, it’s all contingent on how the conversations go. Your parents might be patient, supportive and willing to listen to you, or they might be uncooperative and quick to anger. While predicting their responses is tough, do your best to create an environment conducive to having a productive, respectful, and honest conversation. Consider carefully when and where it’ll take place, who it should involve, and how you’ll phrase your thoughts.
If the discussion doesn’t seem fruitful, step away or defuse the situation. Coming away from an unsuccessful attempt can leave you feeling helpless or disheartened, and that’s absolutely normal. Our parents’ receptiveness isn’t something entirely within our control, after all. So, with this in mind, what do we do next?
Charting a path forward, with your parents
Now, let’s explore how you can move on from the feeling of letting your parents down into concrete actions that can improve your life.
If your parents, fortunately, seem receptive to a conversation, spend some time to truly understand what you want–your goals, values, aspirations and priorities in life–before engaging them in discussion. Work together with them to set realistic goals that align with both your individual capabilities and their expectations, and consider consulting them for advice on reaching your goals.
Seek common ground by compromising, and establishing a shared understanding of what ‘success’ looks like. Open dialogue of this sort seeks to foster a supportive environment, enabling you to work towards shared goals that satisfy both you and your parents.
If you’re still worried about not meeting these shared goals, consider having a heart-to-heart with them about preparing for failure, and managing their reactions. Think of it as crafting a backup plan together on how to constructively handle disappointments. Oftentimes, our parents’ responses come from a place of good intentions, but they struggle with effectively conveying them.
Let them know how they can react in a way that you’d appreciate–one that’s more supportive, even if failure occurs again. Those responses may differ across individuals; some might prefer encouragement, some, solutions, and others, space. This way, you’re not just collaborating over realistic expectations, but also pre-empting future setbacks, and preparing everyone on how to best handle those together.
Charting a path forward, on your own
If, unfortunately, collaborating with your parents isn’t remotely productive, it’s crucial that you don’t dwell on pleasing them, but instead, move on and prioritise your well-being and personal growth. Shift your focus away from parental validation, and towards fulfilling your own expectations and aspirations. After all, relying largely on parental validation as both a compass for your feelings, and a determiner of your self-worth is highly detrimental to your well-being. The incessant pursuit of pleasing your parents leaves your inner strengths and passions obscured.
Therefore, to cultivate a more resilient sense of self-worth, prioritise internal validation. For parents with boundless, accompanying expectations to meet, fixating on fulfilling them gets exhausting–especially when those expectations are based on unrealistic perceptions of our abilities. If you know they aren’t founded in good judgement, why give them the time of day? Instead, figure out your passions, ambitions and abilities: the qualities that intrinsically make you, you. Work towards prioritising these realistic, personal goals, regardless of whether they’ll please others; after all, won’t they bring you genuine fulfilment?
Lastly, take pride in your unique talents and skills, even if they lie outside the traditional expectations of your parents. Building a strong support system beyond your parents can also bolster your internal validation and sense of self-worth. Seek out mentors, friends, or even therapists who believe in your potential, celebrate your individual journey, and actively encourage you to pursue your goals. Their acceptance and encouragement acts as a valuable counterpoint to any external negativity.
Actively prioritising yourself
Most importantly, learn to actively prioritise yourself! Truth is, your own expectations are what should matter most; you’re the only one who knows–or has the ability to know–your abilities and circumstances best, and then accordingly set realistic expectations. Therefore, while ridding yourself of external pressures may be tough, it’s essential to establishing a healthy balance between those, and your own, valuable expectations.
Start by setting realistic and achievable goals that resonate with your values and aspirations. Break down larger objectives into manageable tasks, and let yourself feel accomplished for each task you complete. Additionally, heed the oft-repeated advice of engaging in self-care.
Recognize that taking care of your mental and emotional well-being is fundamental to achieving success on your terms. This could mean partaking in your hobbies–even if your parents regard them with displeasure, or celebrating your achievements–no matter how big or small–in a way that makes you happy.
Lastly, don’t view failure with disdain. After all, recognising our successes and feeling fully satisfied with our victory often involves failing multiple times over. We don’t grow to fully recognise that we’ve succeeded if we don’t know what it looks like to fail. Of course, we don’t need to experience failure firsthand to know what success looks like, but it does help us better understand our own abilities–strengths and shortcomings alike, and hence gives us clarity on the exact kind of ‘success’ that is, realistically, within our reach.
So don’t be too disheartened when you fail. It might be an oft-repeated cliche, but it holds true: walking, stumbling, falling–it’s all part of growing up.
Sincerely,
Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset
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