By Chia Kei Yin (24S03C) and Chloe Tan (24S03L, Peer Helper)

Your resident Aunties and Uncles are back with our Ask Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset column, this time as a collaboration between Raffles Press and Peer Helpers’ Programme (PHP)! Ever wanted to rant about that someone you just can’t stand? Overwhelmed with too many feelings? Submit your confessions to https://tinyurl.com/RIAAUU and we’ll give them our best shot. This column will be published at the end of every month.

“How do you reassure others that they are not the complete failures they think they are?”

Concerned Cayden

Dear Concerned Cayden,

We understand how you feel. A friend approaches you, disheartened and disappointed. They’ve come to the realisation that perhaps they aren’t cut out for the path they’re on after all. 

Naturally, your reaction as a friend would be to comfort them and assure them that they are not ‘failures’. You might even remind them of the countless achievements they have attained. Unfortunately, your friend rebuts your efforts again and again—listing all the ways in which they have ‘failed’—and refuses to listen to you. 

How do you help someone who doesn’t even believe they should be helped? Well, let’s try to frame this situation from their perspective.

Why does my friend feel this way at all?

Such feelings of inadequacy could stem from any number of reasons. Exercising discretion and empathy towards your friend while supporting them would be the most effective way of approaching this situation, as they may not be comfortable sharing about some personal matters.

The human psyche is complex, and a plethora of factors, including internalised societal or cultural norms, unresolved mental health conditions and more come into play when dealing with one’s self-esteem.

Facing setback after setback may also lead your friend to think that the obstacles they face are just insurmountable, and that they’re simply not good or smart or talented enough like others who have overcome similar circumstances. 

Being in JC is tough and growing up is tougher, but failure is inevitable. It is an unavoidable fact that your friend will face setbacks regarding their studies, extracurriculars, relationships or more. Exacerbated by their high expectations of themselves, your friend may feel like they will never succeed. 

What can I do when nothing seems to be able to help my friend?

You still haven’t answered the question though… How do I convince them that they can succeed?

#1 – Provide a listening ear

Practise active listening and provide an avenue for your friend to vent their emotions—after all, there’s nothing wrong with feeling a certain way.

Although we may want to ‘fix’ things as quickly as possible by offering unsolicited advice, this can be overwhelming and unhelpful. Instead of offering advice, listen actively and ask questions to help them process their thoughts and feelings.

Be non-judgmental when a friend opens up to you, and don’t criticise or belittle their feelings. Instead, listen with an open mind and show empathy.

Paraphrase and summarise what they say back to them so you can have a more complete understanding of their thoughts and emotions. This also lets your friend know that you are listening attentively to them.

Learn to be aware of your body language as well. Simple things such as nodding and making eye contact while listening to your friend are good ways to show that you are paying attention to them! 

However, do make sure that you are not just passively listening to them. Any signs of boredom or disinterest, such as zoning out or diverting your attention from them, may make your friend feel unheard or neglected. This would deter them from sharing their thoughts and emotions with you since they may feel that you don’t care much about them. 

#2 – Help your friend to challenge their negative thoughts

Are their thoughts of ‘failing’ simply opinions, or substantiated facts? Encourage them to find ‘evidence’ that backs up what they think of themselves, such as a third-person opinion from a parent, friend or teacher that they trust. This will help them to better understand that their perceived ‘failures’ aren’t as terrible as they think.

Remind your friend of what they have done well too; this may allow them to understand that it’s simply human to make mistakes. One’s self-worth should not be defined by their shortcomings, but based on their inherent quality of being a human being.

If your friend feels that they have ‘failed’ because others are excelling in ways they aren’t, try to help them to minimise their comparison to others. We all have different strengths and weaknesses, and while your friend may be envious of another person’s forte, that person may be wondering why they lack a talent that your friend possesses. There is no use comparing the distance which we have individually run when we are all running vastly different marathons.

Do be careful if you realise that these pieces of ‘evidence’ lead your friend into thinking they are just a shadow of their former self. This might demoralise them further, and they may think that they will no longer be as brilliant as before. 

Try to emphasise more on recent successes, or accomplishments that they have obtained in other areas of their lives. This would help to boost their dwindling self-esteem and find relief in being secure of their strengths.

#3 – Share healthy coping habits

Failure should be seen as a learning opportunity to assess our gaps in knowledge or skills and not an indicator that you will never succeed. Failure is part of the process of improving in what you do, and to bounce back with your newfound skills.

Of course, the journey won’t be easy. But learning to care for yourself, being kind to yourself, and allowing yourself to have space to grow is something that takes time. 

Ask your friend if they are aware of the reasons they have ‘failed’. It could be because they have not been prioritising themselves, and have not been at their full potential. Encourage them to exercise, eat well, have sufficient sleep and spend more time with family and friends. Optimising their health will boost their performance.

It would be best to suggest coping habits that are suitable for your friend’s lifestyle, instead of something out of their comfort zone. It would be difficult for your friend to start exercising when they have not previously. Out of their depth, they may even become even more discouraged—if they are unable to finish their target number of reps in a workout, for example, their sense of being a failure will only be amplified. 

Encourage them to continue with activities that they like or are good at, such as art jamming for your artistic friends, open dance classes if they are dancers, or even simply bringing them to new cafes if they are foodies. 

Making time to do what they love can help them ease their stress, lift their mood and redevelop their self-confidence, which is exactly what they need during this period.

#4 – Share your own personal experiences

By sharing about the challenges you and others have faced, you’re letting your friend know that they aren’t in this alone. This also creates a safe space for your friend to open up and talk about their feelings. Everyone comes across obstacles, sometimes more often and not, but that doesn’t make them a failure. 

Sharing about how you have overcome some struggles in the past also encourages them, as they will know that they can improve from their current predicament as well.

You can even talk about challenges you haven’t yet overcome, and tell your friend that it’s okay, because now both of you are learning to grow together.

Do make sure that your personal experiences do not become the bulk of the conversation, and that you do not make the whole conversation about yourself. That would make your friend feel neglected and ignored. After all, you are here to comfort your friend instead of it being the other way around. 

Additionally, do be sure not to trauma dump on your friend when sharing your own experiences. Trauma dumping is the oversharing of difficult emotions and thoughts with others, which would result in your friend feeling overwhelmed and helpless as they do not know how to respond. 

They may start to compare both your predicament and invalidate their struggles, thinking “I’m such an ingrate for even being this upset when they have been through worse.” This would add to the plethora of negative emotions that they are feeling at that moment, pushing them further into the dark abyss. 

Try to keep your own experiences concise so as not to overshadow your friend’s struggles, and focus more on your journey of improvement and how you ultimately overcome your struggles. This would inspire and motivate your friend to work on themselves, as well as pick up some coping habits, killing two birds with one stone. 

#5 – Be there for them 

Your friend is probably facing a tough period in their life, so be sure to be there for them and to encourage them to push on! After all, being there for someone can bring hope when all seems hopeless.

You can check in with your friend every day with a simple “how’s your day” text, which would remind your friend that you are still paying attention to their needs and supporting them. 

Spending more time with your friend and doing things both of you enjoy together would also help you forge a stronger friendship. When you get to know each other on a deeper level, it would be easier to uplift and encourage each other.

In conclusion, being genuine and sincere is the way to ease their anxious minds, to shine light at the end of the dark tunnel, and to guide them back to being their confident selves. 

With genuine love and support from those around them, they can overcome all challenges and regain their confidence. What we can do is to support those around us, be there for them, and provide comfort during their trying times. Ultimately, all they need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen and a heart to understand them. 

Sincerely, 

Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset
If you need anyone to talk to about any issues you might be facing, do drop by My Rest Space near Marymount gate and talk to one of our peer helpers! We’re open on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 3 – 5 p.m, and Wednesday 11.00 a.m. – 1.00 p.m. If you would like to meet a peer helper on a regular basis, do email us a request at rafflesinstitutionphp@gmail.com or fill in our request form at our website https://rafflesinstitution5.wixsite.com/rafflespeerhelpers