By Jonathan Neo (25S06F) and Tay Yu Ning (25S07A)
Your resident Aunties and Uncles are back with our Ask Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset column, this time as a collaboration between Raffles Press and Peer Helpers’ Programme (PHP)! Ever wanted to rant about that someone you just can’t stand? Overwhelmed with too many feelings? Submit your confessions to https://tinyurl.com/RIAAUU and we’ll give them our best shot. This column will be published at the end of every month.
“A classmate of mine is getting ostracised for something that he probably did not do, and he seems very affected by it. I don’t want to partake in what is becoming bullying, but I am afraid that I’ll get ostracised too if I do not follow along. What should I do?”
– Concerned Casey
Picture this: The room is buzzing with hushed whispers and furtive glances. The atmosphere feels tense, like it’s on the verge of a storm. A clique of students huddle together, whispering about a certain classmate. It’s a typical day at school, yet something clearly isn’t right.
Peer pressure and bullying are unfortunately common in school environments. Reputations can be fragile, easily tarnished by rumours and accusations. A single false move and a misunderstood gesture can set off a cascade of social exclusion.
For your classmate, this nightmare is becoming a reality—they’re being ostracised for something they probably didn’t do. And you, standing at a crossroads, are faced with a dilemma: join in the ostracism or risk becoming a target yourself.
The Dilemma: Integrity or Conformity?
Here’s the thing: staying true to oneself is paramount. It’s easy to get swept up in the tide of peer pressure, to follow the crowd for fear of standing out. But just remember: the actions we take now can echo long into the future. Regret is a heavy burden to carry, and being a part of unjust behaviour is something that can haunt you. By choosing to act with integrity, you not only avoid this regret, but also demonstrate maturity and fairness.
Bullies often act out of a need for power or acceptance, but as we grow older and more sensible, we begin to see the value in character and integrity. Those who stand firm in their principles, who refuse to partake in unjust actions, earn respect in the long run. It’s a hard path, but it’s the right one.
Consider this: years from now, when the school days are distant memories, what will you be proud of? The times you stood by silently, or the moments you chose to stand up for what was right? By being just and fair, you set a powerful example. It’s not easy, and it might mean facing some social backlash in the short term, but the merits of your actions will be clear with time.
In a bullying situation, an upstander is someone who recognizes when something is wrong and does something to make it right. If an upstander sees or hears about bullying, they will take action. This could mean stopping the bully, reporting the event, or otherwise helping the victim even after the fact. Upstanders do their best to support and protect their peers.
On the other hand, a bystander is someone who sees bullying happening but does not do anything to stop it. People who laugh at something mean a bully says or don’t say anything when they see bullying happening are bystanders. By doing nothing, the bystander is negatively contributing to the bullying situation. Bystanders are often afraid of retaliation and fear that their own group of friends will exclude them for going against the child who was bullying.
It’s better to do something and be an upstander than to be a bystander. By choosing to act with integrity and courage, you can positively impact the situation and help create a safer, more supportive environment for everyone.
Building Bridges: Supporting an Ostracised Classmate
You could start by seeking to understand him and make him feel heard, since his self esteem would probably be negatively impacted by the recent rumours. Furthermore, being completely unaware of why he is being left out can leave one feeling very helpless. Perhaps, you could reach out to him online and provide the necessary moral support as he is going through this rough patch. If he does ask you about why people are ostracising him, explain to him what you know.
After all, simply being there to listen to him and affirm his feelings could provide comfort. Aside from that, reassuring him that you understand his situation and seek to help him is very important to make him feel included and understood. Seeking a second opinion about this from someone who he trusts will definitely help. Talking about this to his parents, a teacher, or an older sibling would definitely help! In addition to that, he can always go to the Raffles Guidance Centre to seek help and support.
Afterwards, you could also start by trying to include him in small talk and conversations you have with your classmates. Some people are more open to changing their mind, and some of them may not even know the full story. Starting small by helping him increase his interactions in class which may also help his reputation. Asking him simple questions like “ What do you think?” allows him to join conversations and gives him chances to show some classmates that he is someone approachable, at the very least.
It is worth noting that changing peoples’ minds is a tedious process, and it is even more difficult for you to be helping him along in this journey. Be patient with yourself and others, since not everyone will be open to hear and accept different perspectives. It is crucial to maintain your image as a neutral party, so everyone, even those with strongly-held beliefs, are more likely to share with you about what led them to view him as such.
However, being neutral does not always mean that you need to disagree with some of your classmates in front of them. Should you be asked for your opinion on the issue, try to frame your views as someone who does not know him or his actions well. When those who ostracise him mention the topic to you, you can phrase your response like this:“ So you are sure he did this ? I could understand why you feel this way if he really did it.” This shows that you would sympathise with their response and feelings, but only if he truly did certain questionable things.
In conclusion, if you feel that you don’t want to partake in the bullying, take the brave step to stick to your views! You can always seek to understand both sides at once, as long as you phrase yourself tactfully. All the best with this issue!
Sincerely,
Uncle Upset and Aunt Agony
If you need anyone to talk to about any issues you might be facing, do drop by My Rest Space near Marymount gate and talk to one of our peer helpers! We’re open on Tuesday from 2.30 – 4.30 p.m, Wednesday 11.00 a.m. – 3.00 p.m., Thursday 2.30 – 4.30 p.m. and Friday 1.30 – 4.30 p.m. If you would like to meet a peer helper on a regular basis, do email us a request at rafflesinstitutionphp@gmail.com or fill in our request form at our website https://rafflesinstitution5.wixsite.com/rafflespeerhelpers/peer-helping-request!
