By Jane Ng (25S03D) and Tan Shean Yik (25S03A, Peer Helper)

Your resident Aunties and Uncles are back with our Ask Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset column, this time as a collaboration between Raffles Press and Peer Helpers’ Programme (PHP)! Ever wanted to rant about that someone you just can’t stand? Overwhelmed with too many feelings? Submit your confessions to https://tinyurl.com/RIAAUU and we’ll give them our best shot. This column will be published at the end of every month.

Dear Miserable Molly,

It seems that you’ve found yourself in quite a bit of a predicament—one that may have felt seemingly distant, and only plausible in the televised world of love triangles and dramatic romances. Indeed, it’s not something that most of us would imagine experiencing.

However, perhaps on a day when the stars align against your favour, you might start to inexplicably feel a spike in your heart rate whenever your friend’s ex walks by. 

“Does this make me a bad person? Am I a toxic friend?” 

If you happen to be unlucky enough to find yourself in such a situation, all sorts of anxieties arising from this unconventional situation may give way to a spiral of shame. However, keep in mind that developing feelings for your friend’s ex does not in any way make you a “bad person”. After all, you can’t control who you’re attracted to.

That being said, if you happen to be one of the rare few facing this situation, fret not, for you’ve come to the right place!

Figuring it out

While daydreaming about your new crush, it’s easy to fall into the trap of delusion. Sure, it’s possible that both of you could get together, maybe even with your friend’s blessing. But most likely, chances are that it won’t be an “it’s us against the world” scenario.

Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum, and liking your friend’s ex can be considered a major faux pas. Because of the sensitive nature of the situation, friends’ exes usually fall into the off-limits category, and in pursuing your feelings, you risk your friendship and reputation.

As such, your first course of action should be to objectively figure out your priorities and wrangle with the nuances of your own situation. There are a few factors to consider—namely, your friendship, the time factor and your morals.

Firstly, your friendship. How close are you to this friend? How do they feel towards their ex? If you consider this friend to be an important part of your life, you should avoid situations that may hurt their feelings or make things awkward. Furthermore, if your friend hasn’t gotten over the breakup, it would be inadvisable to pursue your feelings out of respect for them.

Secondly, the time period. How long has it been since the breakup? Has it been weeks? Months? Days? As a general rule of thumb, the more recent the breakup, the more delicate the situation tends to be. How would you feel if a friend of yours swooped in for a chance with your ex mere days after your breakup? Besides, how ready would your friend’s ex be for a new relationship after just getting out of one? 

Lastly, your morals. If the other 2 factors don’t give you resolute answers, this one might. After all, external factors can change, but your principles won’t. If you were in your friend’s position, how would you feel about this? Ignoring your attraction to this person, does this sit right with your values?

As with all other kinds of crushes, you should also consider your personal level of readiness for a relationship. 

All of us need time to process our emotions and grow from them, with a breakup being no exception. If the breakup was recent, the best thing you could do for yourself and all parties involved would be to give everyone time and space to heal.  

Acting on your Decisions

Taking all these factors into account, it is very possible that not pursuing your feelings would be the best course of action, for yourself and everyone involved. Yet, there are cases where you might still be adamant on wooing your friend’s ex. As such, here is advice if a) you wish to get over these feelings, or b) you wish to tactfully pursue your friend’s ex.

SCENARIO A: 

“How on earth do I stop myself from fantasising about a relationship with him/her?”

Logically speaking, there must be a reason that your friend and their ex broke up in the first place. As such, a potential course of action could be to earnestly inquire about what caused the split between your friend and their partner, provided they’re willing to share. 

Whenever we have a crush on someone, we tend to view them through rose-tinted glasses, making it harder for us to identify their shortcomings—all the more reason to carefully consider if they are a good fit for you. Did your friend previously point out any of their ex’s red flags? Are there any underlying issues that could resurface if you were to get into a relationship with this person?

To give yourself a proper reality check, it can be helpful to draw up a pros and cons list to make sure that you are engaging your rational mind (and not just your emotional mind) in this situation.

While the saying “A crush is just a lack of information” is certainly not universal, it could hold water in such a case. These considerations, with a healthy dose of introspection, may be helpful in sorting out your feelings and gaining clarity in such an emotionally-charged situation. 

When resolving your personal feelings, it is important that you keep your own well-being in mind. Though often overlooked, getting emotional closure is crucial in ensuring that you’re able to get over your feelings in a sustainable manner.

In other words, make sure your emotions are resolved permanently and healthily, since it’s easy to repress them or drown yourself in your studies as a distraction. Sure, academic success is great, but not at the cost of your mental well-being. Not to mention, you should delete that “crush” playlist and stop obsessively stalking their Instagram. 

Remember: out of sight, out of mind—don’t keep around anything that could unnecessary fuel or revive your feelings. Sometimes, just waiting for a few weeks to see if your crush will pass (patience is a virtue, after all) could resolve the situation organically without affecting your relationship with your friend.

If not, it’s also helpful to face your feelings head-on. Whether you choose to do this through writing in your diary, confiding in your friends, or even talking to our friendly Raffles Guidance Centre counsellors, taking the time to find closure for yourself can make it much easier to pull yourself out of this predicament, no strings attached. 

That being said, if your crush doesn’t fade as easily as you imagined it to, the next section may have some suggestions that could be more suited to your situation! 

SCENARIO B: 

“I love and respect my friend, but I love the idea of being with their ex more. What should I do?”

Hold your horses! Did you just say that you love the idea of being with your friend’s ex? Do you know them well? Do you know them…at all? When in such a situation, it is necessary to make the distinction between a genuine attraction and a rosy fantasy of you and your crush. 

Nonetheless, if you’re still resolute on pursuing your “pookie-to-be”, here is some advice on how you may tactfully approach such a situation.

Though it’s easier said than done, being transparent with all parties about your intentions is the least you can do. Be honest about your thoughts and feelings with regards to the situation, and give both parties (especially your friend) time to mull over them. 

Additionally, discuss certain boundaries that your friend would like to establish should you decide to pursue their ex. By showing your friend that you’re doing your best to approach this situation thoughtfully, managing it will also be easier for you and allow you to sustain your friendship with them.

Even if you do receive your friend’s blessing, it is important to remember that they are still a human being with emotions every bit as real as yours. Thus, never forget to handle the situation with great care, and be mindful of your friend’s feelings.

Try to avoid publicising your interactions with their ex, and perhaps refrain from being overly touchy or PDA-ing (public displays of affection) in the presence of your friend as a sign of respect for their feelings. 

With a situation as complex and delicate as this, there is never an easy way out. Whether you choose to get over your feelings or pursue them, challenges will always arise. Romantic endeavours can be tumultuous, and as much as we’ve tried to simplify this problem, the sheer number of moving parts involved can make it hard to work around. 

As such, the most important thing is to stay true to yourself and always take care of your well-being! Do a mental check-in at appropriate junctures, and make sure to talk out any troubles with people you trust. 

Sincerely,
Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset

If you need anyone to talk to about any issues you might be facing, do drop by My Rest Space near Marymount gate and talk to one of our peer helpers! We’re open on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 3 – 5 p.m, and Wednesday 11.00 a.m. – 1.00 p.m. If you would like to meet a peer helper on a regular basis, do email us a request at rafflesinstitutionphp@gmail.com or fill in our request form at our website https://rafflesinstitution5.wixsite.com/rafflespeerhelpers