By Gladys Koh (26A01B) and Sreya Areekkara Poduvattil (26S03P, Peer Helper)

Dear Anxious Andy, 

First of all, let me assure you: you are not alone in this matter. Feeling unwanted in conversations can turn into a crippling, unbearable train of thought that is difficult to shake off. 

However, contrary to what you may believe, many who seem to have their lives together—with perfect social circles and friendships that seem to come naturally, have felt exactly what you’re feeling now. 

Upon closer inspection, these people whom you want to get to know better may have fortuitously been placed on a pedestal. You end up scrutinising every interaction with them and suddenly becoming all-too-aware of every little thing, from how you laugh in reaction to their jokes, to the slightest bit of physical contact you both share. After all, these people seem cooler and smarter than you are. In turn, you feel extra nervous, unable to  let your authentic self shine through. 

Now, here’s a little secret. These people who are seemingly uninterested in continuing their conversation with you, may have just been too wrapped up in their own head space to be fully engaged with you. 

Perhaps, they were pondering about their History assignment, due next week. Perhaps, their stomachs were growling and they were thinking about what to order for lunch. Perhaps, it had very little to do with you! They were simply too busy to truly consider how their “ok” text had come across to you. 

However, if you’ve read this far and still believe that this pattern of your conversations fizzling out cannot be due to sheer coincidence, here are some ways you can approach this issue!

Don’t overthink it 

Andy, I’m sure it feels horrible to think that you’re somehow the problem. If your peers don’t want to talk to you, it only seems natural to assume that you did something wrong. So many possibilities—perhaps you have a “boring” personality? Perhaps they don’t like your style, your vibe, or another one of the million different things that make you you? 

It’s so easy to get trapped in this spiral of overthinking. In fact, it’s perfectly normal in your situation! One of the most quintessentially human experiences is (unfortunately) doubting yourself—there is no one who is 100% confident in everything they do, especially when things just never seem to work out. 

Tragically, your dedication to presenting yourself in a way that you think makes you more “appealing” to your peers — every careful hand placement, every rehearsed joke, every scripted greeting — might make you seem unnatural to talk to instead. 

People can tell when you’re unsure about yourself, and particularly empathetic people may even feel anxious just from interacting with overthinkers. Moreover, those who overthink have a tendency to read between the lines and invent problems that don’t exist, which can be exhausting to deal with. 

Imagine having to tread on eggshells when conversing with someone for fear of accidentally making them feel hurt or unwanted—if even a simple glance off to the side can be read as a dismissive eye-roll, those genuinely wishing to befriend you would naturally police their own actions so as to not make you feel bad. 

Just to reiterate: it is perfectly natural and understandable to put a great deal of thought and care into each social interaction — wanting to put the best version of yourself out there is commendable! However, this creates a terrible feedback loop, where your overthinking makes people less enthusiastic when interacting with you, which makes you overthink more, and so on.

But, fear not! 

Just being aware of this loop can be enough to break it. The next time you catch yourself planning conversations in advance, overthinking what to do with your hands, or laughing at things you don’t find funny because you don’t want to seem “weird”, take a deep breath. Ground yourself in the moment, and remember that those who befriend you will do so regardless of whether you have the “perfect hand placement” or crack the wittiest jokes with impeccable comedic timing. They’ll love you for being you — and you should, too. 

Occam’s Razor: They just might not “click” with you

When there are so many explanations for your plight, warring for space in your mind, it might seem impossible to figure out what exactly you need to change about yourself in order to become “normal”. 

In this situation, there’s one tool that can serve you very well: Occam’s Razor, a principle that suggests that when presented with competing hypotheses, the one with the fewest assumptions should be preferred. In other words, the simplest explanation is the one most likely — which in this case might just be that you do not “click” with them. Maybe your personalities are too different, your interests aren’t compatible, or it is just a case of “vibes”. Nevertheless, the fact remains that you can never please everyone. 

In fact, in your quest to make yourself more palatable to your peers, you run the risk of losing the true friendships you could have made with people you meet later down the line. Everyone is different —just because you may like niche artists or have uncommon hobbies, does not mean that you can never connect with others while being wholly yourself. Don’t force yourself to be someone you aren’t just because those around you cannot appreciate your authentic self. 

That brings us to our next tip:

Find “your” people

Perhaps you like to code, or bake, or dissect niche 70s Russian cinema — whatever the case, there is a group for you. Put yourself out there! Join a class you find interesting at your local CC, or sign up for a school interest group! You can even get in touch with hobbyists online through forums like Reddit (please practice basic internet safety), so there’s really no such thing as “too niche”.

Having something in common with someone you’re talking to serves as an excellent springboard to get to know each other better. People love talking about things that interest them, so your conversations will flow naturally. And when things start to stall, there’s always the familiar ground of your shared interests to return to. Even something as simple as a niche inside joke or reference can offer comfort when interacting with a stranger. 

Our final word of advice to you: if all else fails and the idea of a school day tomorrow fills you with impending doom, remember: take things slow. There’s comfort in knowing that your present worries are not permanent fixtures. You are not defined by awkward conversations or cold silence. 

Andy, you are simply a human being navigating the complicated map of human connection. In time, all things will change. You will soon stumble upon people who genuinely want to know all there is to know about you. They will greet you warmly, laugh at your bad jokes, and listen to everything you have to say. 

Until then, be kind to yourself. Look towards the coming days in a positive light: it begins with the simple things. There’s your favourite subject tomorrow. You’re hanging out with some old friends soon. Your timetable ends early, and you have the rest of the day to yourself. 

Take comfort in the little joys and let time begin its quiet, healing work. Who knows? Maybe your next conversation will be the beginning of something unexpectedly wonderful.

Sincerely,

Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset

If you need anyone to talk to about any issues you might be facing, do drop by My Rest Space near Marymount gate and talk to one of our peer helpers! We’re open on Tuesday from 2.30 – 4.30 p.m, Wednesday 11.00 a.m. – 3.00 p.m., Thursday 2.30 – 4.30 p.m. and Friday 1.30 – 4.30 p.m. If you would like to meet a peer helper on a regular basis, do email us a request at rafflesinstitutionphp@gmail.com or fill in our request form at our website https://rafflesinstitution5.wixsite.com/rafflespeerhelpers/peer-helping-request!