By Ng Dawin (25A01D) and Elisa Lim (25S07A)

Your resident Aunties and Uncles are back with our Ask Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset column, this time as a collaboration between Raffles Press and the Peer Helpers’ Programme (PHP)! Ever wanted to rant about that someone you just can’t stand? Overwhelmed with too many feelings? Submit your confessions to https://tinyurl.com/RIAAUU and we’ll give them our best shot. This column will be published at the end of every month.

Dear Worried Wendy, 

We both know how much poor results can tick off parents, so let’s just skip the typical “I can empathise with your situation”s and “It can be difficult to navigate these troubling waters”s and get straight into the matter. 

1. Be honest

Yes, yes, you’re probably sick of hearing this by now, but honesty is definitely the best policy. A lot of compulsive liars will argue that lying (or concealing the truth, as they call it) is more effective in protecting yourself, because you can completely avoid confrontation.

This statement only holds true under two scenarios. One, you must be able to hide the truth for life. The other, to have the nerves to spend every moment of your life knowing that you are living a lie, never once succumbing to delusions of blood on your hands like Lady Macbeth.

But you have to be a psychopath of a KGB spy to pull that level of pretence off. Lies lead to more lies, and more lies lead to even more lies—escalating and escalating until your relationship with your parents becomes a complete lie.

“Why aren’t you applying for a scholarship if you got such a high score for that test last year?’

You do not want to have to choose between covering up for an impossible incident or the wrath of a middle aged couple, so your best bet is to come clean about your results this first time, when the stakes are (relatively) lower.

Get the courage to speak up from your friends. Walk around town to calm yourself, take a deep breath when you get home, and just blurt out these 8 words. (Note, choose a good time to confess, not when they just got back from work or when they just woke up)

“Mom/Dad, I got an F on the test”

Then keep your mouth shut, and prepare for the incoming onslaught. 

2. Calming your parents down

Anger, like a bull fight, is a matter of provocation. In the sandy pits of the arena the bull doesn’t seethe at the colour red; Instead he only sees the matador, who is doing all he can to be a nuisance. He flaps that big red cape in the wind, pushing it forwards in a feint, dragging it to the side like a curtain—all whilst dancing with the grace of a drunken ballerina.

The bull is obviously pissed off by the flamboyant prick prancing around him, so it reacts in the only way it knows—by charging forward blindly and impulsively without even taking a second to figure out what is going on.

Your confession will play out exactly like a bull fight. You, in this scenario, are the matador and your parents, the bull. You need to pick the right words and actions, not wave your cape around, in order to not risk pissing off your parents even more.

The easiest way to go about this is to just take everything your parents throw at you with a straight face. Don’t protest. Don’t try to defend yourself. Don’t even think to say anything. Just nod quietly along to everything they say. If your parents continue to probe you, respond in the most straightforward, most frank way possible. 

If you didn’t study enough, tell them you didn’t study enough. If you couldn’t be bothered, tell them you couldn’t be bothered. If you got diarrhoea from their spicy curry the day before, well, tell them you ought to have watched your diet.

The point is to react in a way that erases any possibility of an argument. Your parents are more likely to calm down if you concede to their every sentence and demand.

Do not think of this as a complete submission—you are only doing so to get over the worst moment of the exchange, which is in the first few minutes after the confession. Your parents are probably too angry to heed to any attempts at rationalisation. It is difficult to put aside your pride, but remember that the focus now is to minimise your parent’s anger, and keep the bull from charging.

The actual clean-up only comes a few days later, when your parents have had time to cool down.

3. Look into the future

For the benefit of both parties, all parent-child disputes must end on a positive note. It is the most important relationship in your current life as a not-quite-an adult, not-quite-a-child, and you must do all you can to manage the negative emotions from the exchange.

This is where you have to take the step and initiate the adult talk. You’ve probably seen instances like this in TV Shows or movies, when a bunch of characters get together to talk about their feelings – mostly as a means to intervene in a broken relationship or bad drinking habit; but in your case, your talk with your parents is all about expectation.

Your parents are probably most concerned about what you are going to do about your results, so have something prepared. Don’t just sit there and be like “I dunno” or “We’ll see about that”. Show your parents that you have a long term plan set up.

And no, it doesn’t need to be anything complicated. Even something as simple as this would suffice:

1. I am going to buy more assessment books and guide books
2. I have signed up for consultations with my tutors
3. I will spend less time on my phone

Just make sure that you jolly well stick to your plan, even if it can be difficult to adjust to.

This will reaffirm your parents’ expectations of you, because it shows that you care about your results as much as them. When your parents see you still flipping through your papers before bed, they will know that you are completely serious about your words. Not 50%, not even 99%, but a 100% serious.

And maybe, this effort is the X factor. For if you (hopefully it won’t happen) don’t  make the grade on the next test, then at the very least, your parents will know that you tried.

Sincerely,

Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset

If you need anyone to talk to about any issues you might be facing, do drop by My Rest Space near Marymount gate and talk to one of our peer helpers! We’re open on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 3 – 5 p.m., and Wednesday 11.00 a.m. – 1.00 p.m. If you would like to meet a peer helper on a regular basis, do email us a request at rafflesinstitutionphp@gmail.com or fill in our request form at our website: https://rafflesinstitution5.wixsite.com/rafflespeerhelpers