By Arshia Mahajan (25S06R) and Kumareswaran Lakshan (25S03Q, Peer Helper)

Your resident Aunties and Uncles are back with our Ask Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset column, this time as a collaboration between Raffles Press and Peer Helpers’ Programme (PHP)! Ever wanted to rant about that someone you just can’t stand? Overwhelmed with too many feelings? Submit your confessions to https://tinyurl.com/RIAAUU and we’ll give them our best shot. This column will be published at the end of every month.

Dear Emma,

We often see, in large group discussions, that one person who just can’t help but make it about themself. It can be frustrating to experience, especially if their topic of choice is always their own achievements. Even if you try to put up with it at first, it eventually gets to a point where it’s just too much.

It’s understandable that one would get excited after accomplishing something, whether it’s in their academics, CCA, or otherwise. When a friend shares their success with you, it’s natural to be happy for them. However, things are different when it’s a classmate who is constantly flexing. It can seem as though they are just trying to rub it in your face, and that they only care about themselves and what they have to say. 

Nonetheless, before trying to get him to stop, it is important to try and see things from his perspective. Where you see an annoying, boastful classmate, he may just be someone overly eager to share about himself. Rather than showing off, perhaps he is just trying to make himself seem interesting to join in the conversation. It is definitely possible that he views all of you as friends that he is excited to tell his achievements to.

Even so, it is necessary to get him on the same page as the rest of the class, to create a more positive environment and ensure there are no feelings of resentment towards anyone. So, here’s some things you can try out to politely get him to stop.

One-on-one chat

The simplest and most direct thing you can do is to take him aside and talk to him. Since he hasn’t been taking the hint, you need to be firm and clear, and make sure the point gets across. Doing this in a group setting can make it awkward for everyone, so it’s much better to do it privately where both of you can be more open.

Don’t appear too confrontational, and try to keep the tone lighthearted, so that things don’t blow out of proportion. Remember, you still want to remain civil (or even become friends) after this, so while it could be tempting to bluntly let him know your true feelings, it is important to convey them tactfully.

When approaching such a topic, try to adopt a more neutral perspective. Instead of telling him that the entire class finds him annoying when he boasts, gently ask him to take it down a notch and let him know that his words could potentially affect others negatively. For instance, others who did not do so well may feel dejected after repeatedly hearing about his achievements.

After you have said your piece, it would be helpful to hear him out as well, to see where he’s coming from. Through this exchange, you can find out whether he understood what you said, and if you will be able to reach a compromise. 

Engage in other ways

It might be the case that he is simply trying to make friends and fit in, and can’t think of anything else to talk about. An easy solution to this is to befriend him and start including him in conversations before he can start talking about his own achievements. 

When all of you, including him, are already talking about something else, it would be difficult for him to suddenly mention his accomplishments. Plus, as he becomes closer to the class and your interactions become friendlier, it’s unlikely that he will continue to boast about himself. 

You could start by finding out your areas of common interest and making small talk with him during break, or after school. By making him feel heard and included, he won’t feel the need to insert himself by talking about his extracurriculars anymore. You might even find that you had more in common than you realised, and start looking forward to hearing what he has to say.

Redirect the conversation

If none of these options work, you might have no choice but to just let him be. The only thing you can do now is to continue discouraging him when it happens.

Whenever he starts to bring up his accomplishments, you can try to subtly change the topic. If he does not get the attention he was seeking, he will automatically drop the topic. All he is looking for is some sort of validation, and if you don’t give that to him, he will stop trying. 

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you should ignore him or ostracise him. You can still briefly acknowledge what he said, but don’t place too much importance or give any sort of reaction as this will just encourage him to continue with his behaviour. 

Over time, he should be able to pick up on social cues and tone it down. Eventually, he should get tired of boasting without getting any response. It may not be the most ideal scenario, but sometimes, it’s the best you can do.

Something important to remember is not to let his words affect you. When you constantly hear about others’ achievements, you can start to compare yourself to them and get upset about how much better they seem to be doing. However, these comparisons are just a waste of time. What really matters is focusing on yourself and giving your best. 

Although you likely already have a bad impression of this classmate, do try to understand his intentions and give him another chance. Who knows, your exasperation with him might just blossom into a beautiful friendship. 

Sincerely,

Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset

If you need anyone to talk to about any issues you might be facing, do drop by My Rest Space near Marymount gate and talk to one of our peer helpers! We’re open on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 3 – 5 p.m., and Wednesday 11.00 a.m. – 1.00 p.m. 

If you would like to meet a peer helper on a regular basis, do email us a request at rafflesinstitutionphp@gmail.com or fill in our request form at our website: https://rafflesinstitution5.wixsite.com/rafflespeerhelpers