By Cayla Goh Yi Jia (25A01B), Ng Dawin (25A01D), Chong Kai Qian (24S03B, Peer Helper)
Your resident Aunties and Uncles are back with our Ask Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset column, this time as a collaboration between Raffles Press and Peer Helpers’ Programme (PHP)! Ever wanted to rant about that someone you just can’t stand? Overwhelmed with too many feelings? Submit your confessions to https://tinyurl.com/RIAAUU and we’ll give them our best shot. This column will be published at the end of every month.
I feel like all my friends are ditching me and not talking to me anymore. What should I do?
Lonesome Larry
Dear Lonesome Larry,
The drifting apart of friends is an agonising experience no one wants to go through. Between the loneliness and anguish of it all, we often cave into self doubt – Why is no one talking to me? Do my friends hate me? Am I going to be left alone?
It’s easy to be overwhelmed by hopelessness when you know something between you and your friends is amiss, yet you can’t exactly point out why. However, everyone has different perceptions of an event. Likewise, there may be reasons why your friends don’t seem to be talking to you. Maybe, they could be training hard for their NSGs or stressing out over that economics test next week.
Our point is, stressing out over whether your friends hate you isn’t going to bring your relationship with them back on track. You can come up with 101 reasons why the situation might be as it stands, but do any of them matter if you aren’t even hearing from the direct source?
All in all, you should reach out to your friends. Seek to understand their perspective on the matter. Clarify all doubts and eliminate all ambiguities regarding your friendship.
1. Tone is key
Asking someone why they haven’t been communicating with you may be tricky. Being vulnerable to breach the topic of how their actions (or the lack thereof) have affected you requires courage. However, we want to assure you that expressing your thoughts and feelings in a constructive manner can lead to a better outcome than keeping quiet and not getting your worries addressed. There are several steps you can take to give yourself the best space to make the conversation.
First, find a time and place to have the talk. There isn’t really a one-size-fits-all approach to this, and we recommend that you think about what the most desirable course of action is for your specific situation. Some factors to consider we advise your to consider would be: made of communication (online/offline), timing (when is a suitable time to speak to them such that there is enough time to communicate and break down both your thoughts without feeling pressed for time), privacy (where is a suitable location that can allow for open and honest conversation without interruptions or distractions).
Second, share what you have been feeling honestly and openly. Striking a balance between frankness and empathy can make the difference. In your message, express to them how deeply their actions impacted you.You need to be straightforward in emphasising your woes to your friends, but you can’t just impose your view of the matter upon them.
Your friends’ perspectives also matter greatly. Put yourself in their shoes. Consider what they might be going through, and phrase your message aptly. It should come out something like this: “I feel lonely lately seeing as we don’t hang out as much as we used to. I understand that both school work and CCA work have been piling up, but I hope we can still make plans together.”
Afterwards, all there’s left to do is to await your friends’ response. Don’t push them – You’ve already said what you wanted to say.
The Adjustment Period / Strengthening the Relationship
Hopefully, this conversation works out and sheds some light on your friends’ perspective on the situation. Maybe, they communicated with you their impressions and expectations of your friendship.
Firstly, work on what was discussed. During the conversation with your friends, it is possible that you could have received feedback on your actions, and also what all of you envision for your friendships. See how you can apply their feedback into your relationships with them. For example, if your friends said that they would like you to reach out more, think of ways you can do so!
Second, take time to get to know them again. Ask open-ended questions, like how was your day? or how was GP lesson? or What do you think of [____]? Asking open-ended questions like these could help to get the ball rolling during conversations. It might take some time to find the topic that really resonates with yourself and your friends, but fret not as these skills come with time.
Third, be sincere. Show concern for your friends, ask them how they are doing and make actions that show that you want to spend time with them. When the sincerity of your actions shine through, it is a start for your friendships to be rebuilt. Find the actions that you feel are most natural to you, like gift-giving or sending words of encouragement to them.
It might feel unnatural to have to be so formal with your intimate friends, but trust the process. This is an important adjustment period for you and your friends, and bringing the relationship back to its previous level of strength requires sustained commitment.
Again, we would like to remind you that during this adjustment period, it can be difficult. So, remember to take care of yourself while you try to navigate and make choices on what you are most comfortable with.
If all else fails
In the best case scenario, having such conversations with your friends will resolve any miscommunication you might have. However, sometimes things don’t go your way.
Not every attempt to reach out will result in an enthusiastic reply from your friends, and this can be a bitter pill to swallow. Ultimately, there’s not much you can do if your friends don’t want to talk to you, even if you have tried everything. In such cases, the conversation would have still provided you with some answers and perspectives which might still be better than not getting any closure.
It’s natural to feel miserable and angry, but you mustn’t let your emotions cloud your judgement. In the case of your ex-friends, don’t push things or be resentful; bless and release these friendships. Let them remain as good memories from a bygone age.
And at the same time, don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s one thing to lose a friend and another to lose yourself in the process. Try and find something you always felt like doing. Or better yet, you can find new opportunities to make friends, or hang out with other friends who cherish you.
Ending off, we’d like to share a quote from the famed inventor Alexander Graham Bell:
“With every door that closes, a new one opens.”
As cliche as it sounds, there are many more opportunities to make friends in JC. Instead of wasting your energy clinging onto friends who don’t reciprocate, releasing them can free up time and space to make new friends. All the best, and as denizens of another universe might wish to others: “May the force be with you!”
Sincerely,
Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset
If you need anyone to talk to about any issues you might be facing, do drop by My Rest Space near Marymount gate and talk to one of our peer helpers! We’re open on Tuesday from 2.30 – 4.30 p.m, Wednesday 11.00 a.m. – 3.00 p.m., Thursday 2.30 – 4.30 p.m. and Friday 1.30 – 4.30 p.m. If you would like to meet a peer helper on a regular basis, do email us a request at rafflesinstitutionphp@gmail.com or fill in our request form at our website https://rafflesinstitution5.wixsite.com/rafflespeerhelpers/peer-helping-request!
