By Gabriel Ho Weng Kit (24S02A and Eng Yi Xuan Jazelle (24S03Q, Peer Helper)
Your resident Aunties and Uncles are back with our Ask Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset column, this time as a collaboration between Raffles Press and Peer Helpers’ Programme (PHP)! Ever wanted to rant about that someone you just can’t stand? Overwhelmed with too many feelings? Submit your confessions to https://tinyurl.com/RIAAUU and we’ll give them our best shot. This column will be published at the end of every month.
I feel like I am spending too much time thinking about everything. Help!
Hopeless Harry
Dear Hopeless Harry,
It is perfectly normal to feel that your mind is too busy overthinking. Every student at some point would have felt that they were flooded with a myriad of thoughts and seem unable to carry out the simplest of tasks.
But how do you stop overthinking about seemingly trivial matters such as the answer to 1+1?
Recognising signs of overthinking
We overthink things unknowingly and subconsciously. Here are some tell-tale signs to help you to determine whether you may be overthinking.
If you find yourself constantly dwelling on or asking yourself questions regarding seemingly insignificant matters, it is likely that you are overthinking things.
Suppose you sent a message to someone but he/she didn’t reply. If you find yourself constantly asking questions such as Why did you not respond to my message or Did I inadvertently offend you last time, it is likely that you are reading too much between the lines. More often than not, the other party simply forgot to respond or did not realise that you were expecting a reply.
You may also find yourself dwelling on unpleasant encounters or painful setbacks that happened a long time ago. This is due to an inherent negativity bias that we possess – we tend to remember and recall negative information as compared to positive ones. This is another obvious sign that you are overthinking and unable to let go of things.
Not being able to relax and constantly feeling anxious and worried due to all the racing thoughts in your mind are obvious signs that you are overthinking. As you are constantly thinking about the different possible outcomes from each decision you make, you are unable to focus wholeheartedly on a single task, making it very difficult to focus on the present moment.
Say for example you have an important interview coming up or you are going to meet a group of friends you have not met for quite some time. Instead of feeling prepared and excited for it, you are worried about failing or not being able to click with your friends and that leads you to come up with all sorts of scenarios that could happen.
Understanding the root causes of overthinking
Stress
Stress could be due to abysmal exam grades, heavy workload, relationship issues—you name it. Stress wreaks havoc on your mind. When you are feeling stressed, you tend to catastrophise excessively and fail to think rationally. This causes you to overly dwell on things that could even be out of your control.
Lack of self-confidence
Confidence deeply affects your performance and the way you tackle situations. Being confident allows you to see things in a more positive light and gives you the strength to keep going. However, the inverse results in an acute fear of failing, which can then lead you to excessively worry about the various scenarios that could happen and become afraid of repeating the same mistakes.
Furthermore, a lack of self-confidence often results in an inferiority complex, causing you to always perceive yourself as inferior to others and feel that you are being judged negatively due to your weaknesses. Therefore, you will constantly dwell on correcting these perceived flaws and overthink things.
Perfectionism
The desire to be perfect can cause you to convince yourself that your work can be no less than perfect, which is humanly impossible. As a result of your tendency to find fault in every little detail, you would become more likely to overthink.
Then how can I stop overthinking?
1. Distract yourself
Instead of sitting there and dwelling on a problem for endless amounts of time, you can distract yourself a bit. Doing a little activity or even sleeping allows your brain to find better ways to work out a solution, and who knows, it could find a solution to your problem when you eventually stop worrying about the issue. This distraction gives you a break and gets your mind focused on something more productive.
2. Challenge negative thoughts / Positive reframing
When you find yourself overthinking, challenge these thoughts and ask yourself if they are realistic. It can be difficult to stop yourself but learning how to call out your own overthinking can help to slow down your thoughts and allow you to focus on the present.
Additionally, don’t just ignore your negative thoughts. Acknowledge them and try to reframe them in a more positive and helpful light. As we often think of the negative consequences and ask ‘What If’, consider writing down a list of positive ‘What Ifs’ scenarios to counter these negative emotions. This thought pattern allows you to take control of your current situation and not allow yourself to spiral into the depths of negativity. The key is to step back and take things one at a time.
Lastly, savour the positive moments. When you next encounter a positive moment, give yourself more time to immerse in the moment and fully cherish it. When you learn to cherish more positive moments, you will naturally adopt a positive mindset and this will put you in a much better state to combat negative moments.
3. Practice self-acceptance
Rather than berating yourself over things that are already in the past, work on being more compassionate and accepting of yourself so that you don’t regret past mistakes or things that you cannot change. You can become more self-accepting by practising gratitude. For example, you can think about aspects of yourself that you appreciate and you should cultivate a strong support system of people who can shower you with love and encouragement.
In addition, self-acceptance enables you to accept that nobody is perfect. As such, you will be less self-conscious and less likely to feel that others are judging you for your flaws. This boosts your self-confidence and helps you to recognise that you also have strengths that others admire.
4. Work on improving your interpersonal skills
Boosting your self-confidence, raising your self-awareness and practising self control are important steps to take to stop overthinking.
Firstly, being confident allows you to be decisive and make decisions based on what you think is the best option, therefore avoiding overthinking.
Secondly, being more aware of yourself gives you the chance to objectively evaluate your thoughts and emotions so that you understand how to react to them.
And lastly, having control over your own thoughts and actions lets you think more rationally about methods to overcome your challenges, which prevents excessive worrying and rumination.
While overthinking and focusing on negative things are pretty common, you should always stop and reflect on why you might be doing so. However, it is not difficult to retrain your mind to think positively and discard negative thoughts. Try following the tips mentioned above and you will definitely adopt a more positive mindset.
You can do it!
Sincerely,
Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset
If you need anyone to talk to about any issues you might be facing, do drop by My Rest Space near Marymount gate and talk to one of our peer helpers! We’re open on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 3 – 5 p.m, and Wednesday 11.00 a.m. – 1.00 p.m. If you would like to meet a peer helper on a regular basis, do email us a request at rafflesinstitutionphp@gmail.com or fill in our request form at our website https://rafflesinstitution5.wixsite.com/rafflespeerhelpers
