By Kavya Thirunavukkarasan (25S03I) and Ling Yatu (25S05A, Peer Helper)
Your resident Aunties and Uncles are back with our Ask Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset column, this time as a collaboration between Raffles Press and the Peer Helpers’ Programme (PHP)! Ever wanted to rant about that someone you just can’t stand? Overwhelmed with too many feelings? Submit your confessions to https://tinyurl.com/RIAAUU and we’ll give them our best shot. This column will be published at the end of every month.
If I am struggling with mental health issues, how do I reach out to my friends (especially if I don’t want them to judge me)?
– Solemn Sarah
Dear Solemn Sarah,
Amidst the noise every day, a silent call can fade away. However, Sarah, we want to reassure you that even in the quiet, hearts do hear, the whispered words of pain and fear. Sometimes, it is not the “reaching out” that makes it difficult to get help but rather the “how and who do I reach out to” that we all struggle with. Hence, here is an extensive guide on navigating this conversation thoughtfully and ensuring you feel heard and understood without fear of judgment. A guide to “the right person, right time, right message”.
Reaching Out but… Who?
When considering the “whos” of reaching out, listen to your heart. Do approach those whom you know will have your back and genuinely care for your well-being, like your secondary school friend, desk mate, class leader, peer helper, etc. It does not have to be someone you’re close to or someone you talk to every day– it just needs to be someone who will say “What happened?” to your “I need help”. They are someone who will understand and listen to the problems you are facing and provide you with the understanding you seek and the support you need. Although they may not know the right ways to help, they will still be there, as the bridge in between, a path to light, to guide you through the darkest night.
Reaching Out but… When?
Time can be crucial when it comes to getting a message across correctly. Avoid opening up about your struggles in inappropriate settings, like during group discussions or when everyone is hyped during physical activities. Create a calm atmosphere or wait for a quiet moment. You could arrange for a meet-up after school, over the weekend or over a relaxed meal, where the focus is solely on your conversation. This ensures that your friend can give you their fullest attention, making the dialogue more meaningful and less off-putting. This helps to create a time and space where your honesty can be met with genuine care and concern.
Reaching Out but… How?
The “hows” of reaching out may not be easy, but it does not have to be as complicated as it is made out to be. It is always better to reach out to your friends in real life instead of online. Miscommunications arise when thoughts and feelings are not conveyed clearly and are especially common when communicating over text. Receiving more honest and genuine replies will likely require a face-to-face conversation with them, where you can discuss in a closer and intimate setting.
Moreover, reaching out to your friend one-on-one instead of in a group will allow you to get their full attention with no distractions from others. They will also be more calm and serious about hearing you out, enabling you to express your true feelings and struggles more easily. When face-to-face meetups are difficult to arrange, a video call or phone call is the next best option as both you and your friend can at least see each other’s facial expressions and hear each other’s voice and tone. Nonverbal body language is imperative in making sure your expressions are being received correctly by the other party. Hence, always choose a communication method where you and your friend can see each other’s body language.
When confiding in your friend, refrain from mentioning your mental health issues directly. It may come off as too sudden for him/her to comprehend, and they may even try to distance themselves from you without knowing how to respond to your confession. Take it slow– you should start by setting the context and giving examples of how you are currently struggling. This allows your friend to understand your difficulties bit by bit before you tell them about your mental health issues. Do set a serious tone when you are opening up to them to let them know that this is something important to you. This will also encourage your friend to be more focused and attentive to what you share with them.
It is good to let your friend know how they can assist you as they may not be very familiar with how they should be approaching the situation. This gives them a clear sense of what they need to do for you to feel supported. For instance, ask them to study together with you as an accountability partner or help you catch up with school work, accompany you to seek help or make an appointment, or do some fun things together to improve your mood. Sometimes, it is completely fine to tell your friend that you just need their listening ear and reassurance that you are not alone in this difficult time.
Always remember that you have the choice of how much you want to share with your friends. Be honest and selective– don’t be pressured into oversharing about things or topics that you are uncomfortable with sharing or discussing. Don’t be afraid to tell your friends to stop when you feel like they are delving too deeply into your issues. And of course, do express your gratitude to your friend for listening and trying to help. This affirms your friend for doing their best to help you and it shows your appreciation towards them.
“Just because no one else can heal or do your inner work for you doesn’t mean you can, should, or need to do it alone.”
– Lisa Olivera
Seeking help is a sign of courage, and with the right approach, you can build a supportive network that will help you through this difficult time. Embrace the courage to reach out, for in doing so, you pave the way towards healing and light.
Sincerely,
Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset
If you need anyone to talk to about any issues you might be facing, do drop by My Rest Space near Marymount gate and talk to one of our peer helpers! We’re open on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 3 – 5 p.m., and Wednesday 11.00 a.m. – 1.00 p.m. If you would like to meet a peer helper on a regular basis, do email us a request at rafflesinstitutionphp@gmail.com or fill in our request form at our website: https://rafflesinstitution5.wixsite.com/rafflespeerhelpers
