By Siaw Min En Alena (24S03O) and Ezann Lian Qi En (24S03H, Peer Helper)

Your resident Aunties and Uncles are back with our Ask Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset column, this time as a collaboration between Raffles Press and Peer Helpers’ Programme (PHP)! Ever wanted to rant about that someone you just can’t stand? Overwhelmed with too many feelings? Submit your confessions to https://tinyurl.com/RIAAUU and we’ll give them our best shot. This column will be published at the end of every month.

“How do I deal with a toxic relationship? Should I just leave the relationship without resolving our problems?” 

Heartbroken Harley

Dear Heartbroken Harley,

In the complex tapestry of human relationships, it’s possible for things to turn sour—sometimes without you realising it. Encountering toxicity is an unfortunate reality that many individuals grapple with; before you know it, you’re constantly arguing, your boundaries are ignored, and being in the relationship only brings stress. The dreaded, unsettling question arises in your thoughts: Is it time to end the relationship? 

Understanding Toxicity: Red Flags In A Relationship

Before delving into the decision-making process, it’s crucial to recognise the signs of a toxic relationship. These warning signs serve as indicators that aspects of the relationship may be problematic, or even potentially harmful. Red flags can manifest in various forms: emotional manipulation, controlling  behaviour, disrespect, and even (emotional and/or physical) abuse.

With communication being the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, red flags may emerge if there’s consistent breakdown in communication. Avoidance of important discussions, or a dismissive attitude towards another’s feelings—just to name a few. 

In a similar vein, inability to address and resolve conflicts in a constructive manner can indicate deeper issues within the relationship. Frequent unresolved arguments may lead to resentment and escalate into more significant problems that erode the foundation of a relationship. 

To break up or not to break up?

At first glance, breaking up seems to be the easiest, most convenient option for escaping persistent misunderstandings and arguments. Whether a relationship endures often hinges on the choices made by both individuals involved, making the simple way out, or a “clean break”, appear much more appealing. 

However, before you dive into the complexities of a potential breakup, it’s crucial to recognise and understand the spectrum of emotions that accompany such a decision. Only then, can you make a rational decision on the next steps to take. 

Ghosting

Unlike a straightforward breakup, ghosting is something that many might resort to, when faced with challenges that are difficult to handle. Whilst it’s an even more convenient way of avoiding contact or confrontation with your partner, it’s highly unrecommended that you do so.

Ghosting, a phenomenon increasingly prevalent in modern dating, involves one person abruptly ceasing all communication with another, seemingly vanishing without any explanation or closure. 

This silent departure can be deeply perplexing and emotionally unsettling for the person left in the dark, especially when there was no prior conversation on your dissatisfaction in the relationship. This practice not only disrupts the natural flow of closure, but also challenges the foundation of trust and respect in relationships. 

It’s essential to recognise the impact of ghosting as it can inflict emotional wounds that may persist long after the relationship has ended. It might be hard to accept that your relationship is slowly moving to the toxic end of the spectrum. However, ghosting lacks the courtesy of open and honest communication. Even in the process of ending a connection, communication fosters understanding and emotional well-being for both parties involved. 

Talking it out

Regardless of your decision between resolution and self-preservation (breaking up), our advice would be to talk it out with your partner face-to-face. Once you recognise the clear signs of your relationship turning toxic, initiating an open conversation with your partner is an essential first step. 

Expressing your concerns, feelings, and boundaries calmly but assertively is crucial for maintaining respect and clarity in the communication. Using “I” statements when expressing your thoughts; for example, say “I feel hurt…” instead of “you make me feel..”. This helps to take responsibility for your feelings and avoids putting the other person on the defensive. 

Additionally, be specific about the actions that would make you feel more comfortable or satisfied. Clearly communicate your needs and boundaries in the relationship, including what behaviours are unacceptable and what changes you would like to see! 

It is not ideal to avoid confrontation and drag the problem as this only perpetuates your feelings of unhappiness, and rising tensions between the two of you. Find a time to talk to your partner, and remember that establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial for creating a safer and more respectful environment.

However, remember that it’s okay to say no when something goes against your values, makes you uncomfortable, or exceeds your capacity. Setting boundaries often involve knowing when and how to decline requests. 

When it comes to resolving conflicts, maturity plays a pivotal role in fostering a healthy, resilient relationship. It encompasses the ability to approach disagreements with a calm and composed demeanour, seeking understanding rather than assigning blame. 

When opting for the resolution route, both you and your partner must prioritise effective communication, actively listen to each other’s perspectives, and have a shared commitment to making the relationship work. This level of emotional intelligence allows couples to navigate challenges collaboratively, finding mutually beneficial solutions rather than escalating conflicts. 

The case for leaving

If the toxicity escalates beyond a certain threshold, leaving the relationship may become a necessary step for both you and your partner. There are a few scenarios where it is recommended to put yourself first: physical or severe emotional abuse, shattered trust, and consistent negativity.

However, it’s meaningful to consider the nuanced cases where some ignore red flags – a complex behaviour that can have various underlying causes. People may invest a significant amount of time, emotions and energy into a relationship, making it difficult to acknowledge red flags (cough…sunk-cost fallacy…). They might fear losing what they have invested, and hope that things will get better over time. 

Alternatively, individuals with low self-esteem may be more prone to accepting behaviour that is not healthy or respectful. They might believe they don’t deserve better or fear being alone if they end the relationship. This makes understanding your self-worth a fundamental aspect of maintaining healthy relationships! 

The decision to stay and resolve issues or leave a toxic relationship is highly subjective and depends on the unique circumstances. However, it’s essential to look out for any signs of improvement, and weigh the emotional toll it takes on your overall well-being. Sometimes, leaving can be crucial for your personal healing and growth! 

Initiating a breakup is a delicate and challenging process. Select a private and comfortable setting where the both of you can have an open and honest conversation without interruptions. Be honest and direct about your feelings!

Conclusion: your relationship, your choice

Navigating the complex dynamics of toxic relationships seldom follows a straightforward path. It involves introspection, honest communication, and a willingness to prioritise your well-being. 

Whether you choose to embark on the journey of resolution or decide to step away, remember that your happiness is of utmost importance. Remember that it’s okay to seek help, to set boundaries, and to make decisions that align with your overall health and fulfilment. 

Ultimately, the choice is yours—it’s important to ensure you make one that resonates with your values, and leads you to a healthier, more positive future. 

Sincerely, 

Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset

If you need anyone to talk to about any issues you might be facing, do drop by My Rest Space near Marymount gate and talk to one of our peer helpers! We’re open on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 3 – 5 p.m, and Wednesday 11.00 a.m. – 1.00 p.m. If you would like to meet a peer helper on a regular basis, do email us a request at rafflesinstitutionphp@gmail.com or fill in our request form at our website https://rafflesinstitution5.wixsite.com/rafflespeerhelpers