By Gladys Koh (26A01B), Irene Eva Thomas (26A01B), Tok Kai Xue (26A01B)
Yet another Valentine’s Day has arrived. It seems like Cupid’s arrow has struck everyone but you. Soft launch after soft launch after soft launch, and then just for emotional damage, some more hard launches for good measure.
Instant jealousy is natural— it’s your body’s way of indicating that something is deeply unsettling to you. In this case, all couples. Jealousy, however, is passive, and participation in Valentine’s Day should not be restricted to just couples.
While there are no lectures for responding to a soft or hard launch, it would be irresponsible to face Valentine’s Day unprepared. Thus, for your consideration, Raffles Press presents an entirely necessary guide on how to respond when confronted with yet another relationship launch.
1. “Whatever makes you happy, I guess”
Couples who hard and/or soft launch their relationship are all, indiscriminately, attention-seeking – this is a statement deeply rooted in factual truth. As such, out of spite, it is pertinent that one does not give in to their desires i.e. praise, excitement, or blatant envy. As much as you might feel a deep-seated sense of jealousy upon being flashbanged by soft/hard launches, it is important not to let these emotions show themselves.
This response, then, is the perfect encapsulation of the nonchalance required to make these couples shiver in their boots out of frustration. What will all the bombastic posts of love and affection do if the responses that follow are flat and lukewarm? Hopefully, this would be enough of a hint for them to be quiet – nobody wants to know about their relationship status. Please go away.
2. A Cryptic Meme
Soft launch. Hard launch. Product launch. Rocket launch.
So many kinds of launches — what exactly is the point of a soft launch? Couples who are soft launching are only at the first stage of the relationship: posting a story that is ambiguous, hinting at a relationship, but not divulging anything further.
Before you sigh, staring at the hundredth hand-holding story of the day, remember that this is merely a trial run. Only time will tell if the relationship progresses to a hard launch, which is essentially a nod to ‘endgame’: a face reveal, a caption, or even a tag.
Until then, the relationship hangs on to a fraying thread of non-confirmation, but also, non-denial. Draft 1 currently pends in the wait of either a green light for a successful final draft, or the quiet fade into obscurity, never to be mentioned again…
During this waiting period, the most appropriate response is not annoyance, self-pity, and most certainly not enthusiasm.
Instead, it is patience.
No words are needed— a picture tells a thousand words. Simply reply with the below:
3. Report and block the couple on Instagram
As you lie in bed enjoying your doomscrolling session on Valentine’s Day, you’re bound to scroll far enough to reach a relationship launch that rudely awakens you from your typical Instagram algorithm. Of course, you can’t just let this slide. It’s important that the algorithm knows it made a mistake permitting this on your feed. There’s one easy solution to this: report it.
Say a classmate of yours posts nothing but their relationship: it’s also perfectly reasonable to quietly curate your feed by unfollowing accounts that no longer seem to interest you (regardless of whether you see them 5 days a week). If they ever happen to ask why you don’t follow them anymore, we at Raffles Press believe honesty is the best policy.
Provide (constructive) criticism and maybe give them another chance to revise their Instagram feed if you deem your friendship with them somewhat important.
4. Send it to their parents
If you’re feeling a tad more vengeful, screenshotting their soft launch, spending an hour finding their parents’ Facebook pages and sending them the screenshot might just be the perfect way to deal with your big feelings this year. Shouldn’t every parent know what their child is up to anyway?
Think about it as doing a favour to your friend’s parents. Maybe even your friend— you’ll be helping them break the special news to their parents (with much less stress). How benevolent of you!
Sure, you might end up removed from your friend’s close friend list, or even blocked, but do you really want to be associated with Couples…
5. Recreate their soft launch
Now, you may be reading this article and thinking: none of these solutions have been for me so far. Maybe you clicked on this article, thinking it would offer you a way to quell the loneliness inside you. If so, fret not!
There is nothing stopping you from joining the wave of soft launches! Why remain a passive, dismal observer when you can actively participate in this sacred ritual? Stage a story that is equally vague and mysterious, and pull a friend along to perfect your very own soft launch!
Two plates? Check.
Matching bracelets? Check.
Mysterious arms and/or elbows? Check.
Two figures with their back facing the camera? Double check.
By doing so, you assert your place in this endless wave of soft launches, truly becoming one of them. Because, let’s be honest. If everyone is launching softly, no one launch is truly special, but everyone can pretend that it is.
6. Book a morning announcement to congratulate them on their new relationship
Continuing our pivot from the vague and/or vengeful solutions offered so far, we could also take a more positive approach – one that doesn’t paint you out to be a Negative Nancy.
Since most couples would break their back for the whole world to know about their relationship, it seems only right to help spread the news about their hard launch out of the goodwill of your own heart! Everyone appreciates a personal messenger.
Approach the Student Council and book a slot for a morning announcement, which they will most certainly agree to. Remember to bring a megaphone as well to maximise your reach. Morning announcements are already a recommended avenue to do a hard launch, so responding to one the same way seems like quite a fair deal.
As noted in the diagram, it is also recommended to wheel in a confetti cannon to amplify the atmosphere of celebration. Together, you and the 2400 other Rafflesians will put your hands together to give a thunderous applause for this newly-budded love. There is literally no better start a couple can have to their relationship – they will definitely thank you for your generous contribution.
Conclusion
Alas, gone are the days when singles have to wallow in despair, fending off all the hard and soft launches they see on social media. With this newfound knowledge, Valentine’s Day will only be much more fun and exciting as you employ these various techniques to deter potential couples from encroaching on your singlehooded peace.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all the singles out there!
P.S. This is a satirical article. Raffles Press does not promote any ideas shared here. You can try them out, sure, but we will not be held liable should any potential issues arise.
Also, we don’t actually hate couples. Everyone is allowed to share what they want with the world. Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone reading this – those who found love, are in love, or want to find love. Or are happy being by themselves. We do not discriminate!
