By Tara Teo (26A01D)
Listen up. This is for the has beens. The failures. The ones whose classmates clap when they come to school on time. This is no ordinary race plan, but then again, you’re no ordinary Rafflesian. Raffles Press has come prepared to equip even the most hopeless of students with 4 simple steps to make it to morning assembly in time.
I guarantee you, if you put your all into this sprint from the Marymount gate to the parade square, you’ll outrun time itself. Slap yourself awake, take a deep breath, flex all 10 fingers and all 10 toes— you’re going to need them. Run, Sons of Singapore, run.
1. Let the dogs out (who?)
As any good procrastinator knows, the only way to get anything done is to actually start. What better way to start than inciting an unhealthy spike of fear to wake up that nervous system and get your adrenaline pumping?
Rafflesians on the hunt for a suitable apex predator to chase them to the parade square may peruse the 36 species of animals in Rainforest Wild Asia, a park that conveniently already contains free-roaming human munchers. My personal recommendations are: the Malayan Tiger, the Blood Python, and most fearsome of all, the Madagascar Hissing Cockroach.
However, if you would like to support local, RI offers the gigantic flying insect that hovers around the tables below the MPH and a horde of angrily squawking chickens.
For the thrill-seekers here, do consider baiting a disgruntled friend with the promise of returning a Never-Return-For-Very-Long-But-Actually-You-Lost-It item, and then taking off at full speed while they chase you relentlessly, screaming about how they are never going to trust anyone ever again.
Ever heard of the quote: “lions don’t concern themselves with the opinions of sheep”? Yeah, throw that out of the window. You’re the sheep, and you’re very concerned.
2. Pogo party
What does a fictional dumpling-loving panda have in common with the typical RI student? A burning hatred of stairs.
For the low price of $12.06, the Pogo Stick Bouncing Machine/Pogo Stick Jumping Stilts Fly Jumper Air Kicks Boing Outdoor Body-building Kangaroo Jumping allows you to literally jump away from the dreaded ascend to level 1M. Despite its rather toilet plunger-like appearance, the pogo stick is the vehicle of the century. Instead of shuffling impatiently behind a stickily slow crowd, soar above ordinary man with the pogo stick’s aerodynamic build. Breathe in the high-altitude air, say uwu to some birds while you’re up there, and gloat over the crowd inhaling each other’s exhales.
Like any good athlete, enhance your pogo stick performance with the following handy accessories: a rainbow wig and plastic nose for protection, red blush as handy taillights, and of course, your daily white sunscreen.
In 1969, we conquered the moon. In 20 years, we will conquer Mars. But today, we will have conquered the stairs. To quote Neil Armstrong, “One small bounce for man, one giant leap for punctuality.”
3: RIding the wave
Alas, what comes up must come back down. It’s not a matter of if but when, the inevitable happens— the fall. Some might say it’s because the cheaply manufactured plastic pogo can’t handle one too many Fly Jumper Air Kicks Boing, but I’m telling you, it’s because an awed and lovestruck Rafflesian can’t help but sweep you off your feet (literally). What a dilemma: the 7:58 bell calls… but so does love!
No worries. Any well-prepared Rafflesian has a Plan B. Simply leap into the crowd and enjoy the ride as you coast towards your class in the parade square*. Blow any adoring fans a kiss, scribble tutorial answers, or simply close your eyes and catch up on that much needed REM sleep.
After all, this is exactly what every morning assembly has trained us for. The repeated fist pumps and yells of “Raffles!” have mercilessly trained the triceps of each and every Rafflesian.
*For a higher probability of success, sign up for the free 3 week DJing Wednesday Enrichment Programme provided by RI and hype the crowd up with a remix of the Institution anthem. As the 2016 song Lean On puts it, “A-A-All we need is somebody to lean on.”
4: Waffling with Wits and Words
You’re so close you can basically see the finish line. But wait! An eagled eyed teacher spots you making the last sprint, narrows their eyes and realises its past 7:58. You can’t give up now, not when you’ve made it this far.
Put that raw 6 score to good use by confuddling any teacher waiting to book you. Or, utilize an assemblage of sesquipedalian verbiage in a manner so intricately convoluted to induce epistemological disorientation. To buff up this strategy, consult your KI friends for philosophical arguments you can use to send the teachers standing guard into an existential spiral.
Better yet, tap on RI’s love for communicating in latin phrases. For ease of reference, I’ve included some commonly used phrases, in order of increasing desperation and decreasing dignity.
- si de eo cogitas, tempus relativum est – If you think about it, time is relative
- si de eo non cogitas, neuter nostrum existit – If you don’t think about it, neither of us exist
- Ignosce, cher, hodie mane diarrhoeam pessimam habui – Sorry cher, I had very bad diarrhoea this morning
Just beware— you too, might be sucked into the black hole of cerebral convolution.
Proceed with Caution
While brainstorming strategies, all manner of absurd methods crossed my mind. And yet, I can’t help but circle back to one particularly audacious solution. So bodacious in fact, its secrets have only been whispered in fear in the covert alleyways of our esteemed institution.
So if you’re feeling real adventurous, maybe set your alarm 10 minutes earlier?
