By Betty Ding (25A01B)
Like every other year, this year’s Valentine’s Day has been utterly disappointing. The predictable Instagram stories clog your feed: endless flower pictures, the oh-so-suspenseful soft launches (which, according to some, should qualify as an art form), or even those that clearly feature someone new – the rare “hard launches”. The ones that scream “Hey, me and someone are #together now.” Tame, lame, and all the same. Surely there is room for more passion, more energy, more footwork?
Love was in the air, and it’s time to pull out the air purifier to gain clarity and reflect – what makes a show stopping hard launch? We at Raffles Press have come up with some comprehensive, and (debatably) feasible solutions for you to really wow that special someone. You’ll have to wait till next year though, but it’s okay: just enough time to gather supplies.
Without further ado, here’s how you can make your bombastic love declaration bigger, bolder, and better:
1. Morning Assembly Announcement
For the first hard launch method, let’s look at one closer to home, right in the heart of our school compound at the parade square. If you are dedicated enough, you could even try getting Raffles Crew on board to play a morning song dedication. Nothing amplifies your affection for your special someone quite like the parade square sound system.
Time to set the record straight and make it clear that you are not participating in only Friendship Friday. With a whole audience ready for you – the new Y5s right in time, too – morning assembly is the perfect opportunity to stand out from the crowd. Your special someone will surely have a Fantastic Friday. Or a Magical Monday/Tantalising Thursday. I’ll leave it up to you to choose a day that works for you.
This method may result in disciplinary action, but what’s love without a little risk?
2. MRT or Bus Advertisement
Other than methods closer to home, what about methods for the way home? Picture this: big signs and banners declaring your love, plastered on the MRT doors and on bodies of buses. Sure, love is blind, but this is one way to make sure everyone sees your hard launch – it will take a train-ed mind and a strong will to ignore it. Why limit the audience of your good news to only your close friends and acquaintances, when you can ruin the day of thousands of commuters?
However, the effectiveness of this method is questionable. While minding the platform gap, the commuters will most likely just be minding their own business. Still, as Wayne Gretzky said, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
3. Skywriting
Sky’s the limit with this one: your typical cards are simply too small of a canvas to encapsulate how much you adore your special someone. Think about it, you could be the one piloting (literally) new hard launch methods, raising heads and standards! If you want something more subtle than a morning announcement, this works well. Better yet, you can still consider the parade square for its wonderful view of the sky.
Hire a plane to spell out your partner’s name in fluffy, dramatic letters, preferably with a poetic message like “Help I’m in Love (Send Snacks).” For the truly ambitious, consider an entire paragraph about how your relationship started, your mutual hobbies, and your favourite inside jokes.
Do also consider the weather conditions, as Raffles Press is not responsible for any unfortunate typos. If your special someone starts asking who you “LOBE VERY MUCH” or who you “LIE VERY MUCH”, then sorry, I guess.
Some people have said that this idea sounds like it came from someone with their head in the clouds, but who needs constructive criticism? You can put the “loud” in “cloud” and let nature help you project your undying love! Or lobe!
4. Cannon Ball
For those who feel that skywriting is a bit too much pie in the sky, consider a cannon. Nothing says “I’ve fallen for you” quite like being physically launched through the air at high velocity. The drama! The impact! The sheer undeniable force of your love, hurtling toward its target like a well-aimed Cupid’s arrow—except much, much larger and significantly less metaphorical. Rest assured, everyone will watch in awe and think to themselves, “Wow! Now that’s a hard launch!”
For safety reasons (and to ensure that this remains a romantic gesture rather than a romantic emergency room visit), we recommend a large net to catch you upon landing. Or, for those truly dedicated to romance, perhaps your significant other can be the one to catch you, proving once and for all that love defies gravity.
5. Rocket Launch
Time to take the words “hard launch” literally. What better way to express your fiery love for someone that’s out of this world than with a rocket launch! Imagine the spectacle you will create, the roaring of the engine as you salute your special someone while blasting off into the nebulous galaxy. Don’t just tell your followers on Instagram, turn your good news into global news.
This method is highly recommended, especially if you find that a cannon ball is not enough to prove that love defies gravity – wait till you find out what happens when you are in space.
Now you can really say that you love them to the moon and back, provided you know how to get back. We’re still researching possible options, so for now, watch this space.
Concluding Thoughts
No need to thank me, you should thank yourself for being wise enough to click on this article. Gone are the days of boring, lackluster Instagram posts or stories. Now, armed with my infinite wisdom, you can do better. Time to take “go big or go home” seriously. Who knows, you might even end up going to a galaxy far, far away.
In case it was not clear enough, this is a satirical piece. Raffles Press is not responsible for any last-minute morning announcements or any other possible issues. However, if you do actually end up firing a rocket or anything of that sort, please let me know.
