By Rhea Sharma (25S06A) and Lim Yuting Elisha (25S03M, Peer Helper)
Your resident Aunties and Uncles are back with our Ask Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset column, this time as a collaboration between Raffles Press and Peer Helpers’ Programme (PHP)! Ever wanted to rant about that someone you just can’t stand? Overwhelmed with too many feelings? Submit your confessions to https://tinyurl.com/RIAAUU and we’ll give them our best shot. This column will be published at the end of every month.
“I am content with my group of friends and I’ve made progress towards developing new friendships. However, it troubles me that my friends always seem to have friends that they are closer to, and I also can’t decide who my own “best friend” is. While I don’t think it necessarily means anything bad, it does make me feel down and even slightly unwanted at times. How can I address these feelings?” – Troubled Trixie
Dear Trixie,
Ever heard of the saying “True friendship is when two friends can walk in opposite directions and yet stay side by side” ? Navigating friendships is not always the easiest, but it will be very worth it because they are an indispensable part of life. Now, back to the saying.
Being friends with someone does not mean having to be around them all the time or being the person they are closest to, but rather on how reliable and genuine the friendship is. Some friendships are more low maintenance in nature and that’s perfectly alright! Of course, feeling unwanted or left out can result in negative emotions so let’s break this down.
Firstly, do be rest assured that these feelings are natural. After all, it is human nature to want to fit in and be close to the people around us. Acknowledging and accepting these emotions without judgement is the first key step.
However, it is also helpful to dig deep and understand why exactly you are feeling these emotions. Spending time to explore the main reasons why you are feeling this way could potentially lead you to greater internal issues or needs that you may not have realised at first, helping you solve this situation more effectively. What exactly do you feel – jealous? Insecure? To what extent do these feelings affect you? Once you identify the specific emotions at play, take some time to reflect on their root causes. Are these feelings tied to certain situations, like seeing your friends bond more closely with others? Or do they stem from self-doubt or fear of being left out?
Afterwards, there are several steps you can consider once you recognise these root causes. One particular solution is to practise self-care and build your own confidence up. Sometimes it may feel like without our friends, we lose our own identity and self-esteem. Additionally, seeing our friends who are closer to other people may make us feel unimportant and unwanted. Thus, take some time to engage in activities you like, such as meditation, sports, arts and crafts etc. It is important to find joy and affirm your self-worth outside of these friendships, taking your mind off these negative thoughts and reducing the dependency on your friends for your happiness.
Another solution is to focus on what you can control and communicate better with your friends. As it is often said, “comparison is a thief of joy”. Each bond between you and your friend is unique, and comparing your friendships will only undermine the value of your individual connections.
Building stronger connections with your friends often starts with genuine actions, through expressing appreciation, initiating plans, or simply being present and supportive. Remember, friendships aren’t about competition with others but about mutual care and growth. By nurturing your bonds and being kind to yourself, the feelings of being “less close” may fade over time.
If you feel that there is something troubling you, it is also worthwhile to communicate with your friend about your feelings and expectations in the friendship. Although it can be a very tough conversation and you may fear that it will rupture the friendship, clearing the air with your friend will help to foster mutual understanding and strengthen your bond.
Do try to have an in-person conversation, approaching your friend with kindness and listening to their perspective with open-mindedness. Refrain from accusing them of hurting you or making it seem like they can’t have any other friends. For example, you could say, “I really value our friendship, and there is something I want to share that’s been on my mind.” Try to set a positive tone and show that your intention is to improve the relationship, not to criticize or blame. Be honest in your feelings and what you want, and if your friend really values your friendship they would appreciate your openness and work to address any issues.
While these tips may not solve every obstacle, they can act as guiding steps to take towards a better friendship. As mentioned earlier, true friendship means knowing the person loves you and will be there for you even if they are with others.
Just like any other relationship, friendship requires both parties to work hand in hand to build and solidify trust in each other. Don’t rush into forcing a friendship to turn it into one of “best friendship”. Instead, use open communication to move the friendship forward. Who knows, you may just find your best friend or “soul sister/brother” after talking it out!
Finally, keep your mind open to meeting others while nurturing your already formed friendships. You may just make new friends from different avenues by reaching out or even starting a friendly conversation. Sometimes, you may make friends in the most unexpected ways – so always be open to meeting new people, spend time on developing friendships and share your positivity with others. You’ll definitely find friends who would want to make more connections!
Remember to be yourself and be the kind of friend you hope to have. That way, you’ll definitely develop your friendships well and find those who love you for you!
Sincerely,
Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset
If you need anyone to talk to about any issues you might be facing, do drop by My Rest Space near Marymount gate and talk to one of our peer helpers! We’re open on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 3 – 5 p.m., and Wednesday 11.00 a.m. – 1.00 p.m. If you would like to meet a peer helper on a regular basis, do email us a request at rafflesinstitutionphp@gmail.com or fill in our request form at our website: https://rafflesinstitution5.wixsite.com/rafflespeerhelpers
