By Kimberly Chew (25A01B) and Ng Dawin (25A01D)
Your resident Aunties and Uncles are back with our Ask Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset column, this time as a collaboration between Raffles Press and Peer Helpers’ Programme (PHP)! Ever wanted to rant about that someone you just can’t stand? Overwhelmed with too many feelings? Submit your confessions to https://tinyurl.com/RIAAUU and we’ll give them our best shot. This column will be published at the end of every month.
I feel that I am falling behind and becoming detached. Most of my classmates have good grades, student leadership roles and big social circles. It’s difficult not to compare because I’m failing while my friends, who have the same opportunities, succeed. I’m also becoming jealous of other people’s quality friendships and fear that my own friends will abandon me, which has led me to seek external validation. I’ve been suppressing my emotions by distracting myself with exercise and studies, but this has made me more emotionally detached.
Depressed Diana
Dear Depressed Diana,
“Things will get better” is the instinctive phrase that comes to many people’s minds when reading your letter, and I’m ashamed to tell you I was also one of these people. To put it frankly, these kinds of sayings, however well meaning or consolatory, rarely help. Most people simply can’t fathom failure’s complete desecration of the spirit until they have felt it themselves.
In Czech, they have a word for which there is no direct English translation: Litost. It loosely translates to anguish, but it seems to be a specific kind of anguish. Milan Kundera defines “litost” in an example which might hit home to many of us: Take for instance a child forced to take violin lessons. He’s not very good at it, and his teacher insults him badly. The child feels humiliated, and as a result, continues to play badly. Stuck in his own Litost, the child gives up trying completely.
The way you outline your anguish reminds me of the type of “litost” Kundera describes in the young violinist: a state of despair created by the sudden realisations of one’s failings. But instead of rationalising a lack of success, you find so many ways to avoid dealing with it – I’m no good at violin so why bother trying, I’m not doing well in school so I’ll distract myself, I’m jealous of others’ friendships so I’ll seek external validation – that you forget what you were striving for in the first place: becoming the best version of yourself.
I think it’s good that you’ve come to realise failure as an unavoidable part of life. But does this mean you have to suffer the double blow of feeling ashamed about it?
Much too often in life, our perceptions of ourselves are weighed down by what we think society expects of us. Watching others succeed when we aren’t makes us wonder whether we’re inherently inferior. It fills us with nonexistent faults we never had; and we add some extra too, just for good measure.
This is the basis of your self criticism – the innate desire to compare yourself with others – and you need to force yourself out of this toxic mindset. Avoid comparative statements such as “I’m failing while my friends succeed” or “I’m jealous of other people’s quality friendships” because it is simply not true. You are only a failure relative to those more successful than you.
And I know it’s difficult not to compare yourself with others, especially when you have had the same opportunities as others. But you ought to be less harsh on yourself, because you do have things to show for your life. For example (as much as I hate to pull this card), you did well in national exams and got into RI. It’s a commendable achievement, one you ought to congratulate yourself for.
Self perception is one thing, but your actions are another. Are exercise and studies really the best ways to make yourself feel better? Do you really think detaching yourself from life can get yourself back on track? I don’t think you want to be grinding exam papers or pushing yourself in the gym, nine days a week. Instead, you’d much rather be pursuing your passions, strumming your guitar and building models (or whatever rocks your boat).
You might think you shouldn’t pursue “non-academic” hobbies, especially in your school term – but that’s completely untrue. You’ve found out that you don’t mesh well with the rat-race, and rather than shoehorning yourself into the mould of an ideal student, I think it’d do you much good to expand on your own definition of success. I had a classmate who wasn’t the best in his studies, but he was naturally talented in table tennis and dedicated much of his time to it, eventually getting into the national team.
What I am trying to tell you is that your passions can become your strengths. All it takes is the right hobby, with an abundance of personal interest and a high skill ceiling for you to aspire to. Choose something skill based, such as art or music, not a sedentary hobby like Netflix because there’s nothing to gain by lazing around. If you want to feel better about yourself, you need to feel that you have achieved something – and that takes effort.
This isn’t a signal for you to neglect your studies though; you can’t be a street performer if you don’t pass your A levels.
Then comes the issue of friendship. You seem to think your friends will abandon you even when there is no ready basis for it. I hate to break it to you, but that is simply disregarding the deep rooted feelings of your friendship. Your friends are your friends, and they definitely won’t bear to see you so spiteful of yourself. Bottling up all your Litost and seeking external validation will not only destroy your perception of yourself, but it will also cause unnecessary worry to those who you know care about you.
I’m not saying that you ought to feel guilty towards your friends. I’m just saying that they will be more than willing to help out. The feeling of other people caring about you – that’s something you have, even if you don’t appreciate it right now.
Thus, I implore you to open up about your emotions. Not to your acquaintances, but to your trusted friends whom you have weathered the storm with countless times; those brothers and sisters in arms whom you know will listen patiently and proactively. Let them know your deepest, truest feelings, and hear them out.
Perhaps not all is blissful in their gardens of Eden, and your friends might actually be the ones envying you for being so carefree. Or maybe your friends are all busy with schoolwork, not that they want to abandon you. Heck, some of your friends could even be going through a low state right now, and your sorrow is something they could relate to.
As long as you reach out, your friends will surely reciprocate. Because friendship isn’t one of your failures. It’s a strength you ought to be leveraging on.
Finally, think rationally about your lack of success. You’re a teenager now, not an alcoholic, middle aged single parent stuck in a dead end job. There’s still a long road ahead of you. A road of uncertainties, yes – But also a road of potential treasures. Even if you aren’t the most successful in JC, who’s to say you will be a failure for your whole life? You will only be a failure if you choose to give up on the present.
Which is why I urge you to choose life. Choose positivity. Choose your passions. Choose your friends. Choose your future.
Choose life.
If you need anyone to talk to about any issues you might be facing, do drop by My Rest Space near Marymount gate and talk to one of our peer helpers! We’re open on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 3 – 5 p.m., and Wednesday 11.00 a.m. – 1.00 p.m.
If you would like to meet a peer helper on a regular basis, do email us a request at rafflesinstitutionphp@gmail.com or fill in our request form at our website: https://rafflesinstitution5.wixsite.com/rafflespeerhelpers
