By Cheah Zong Heng (24S06P)

Bored of all the talk over the “Climate Emergency”? Secretly hoping for the destruction of Earth’s climate? Or perhaps you are an aspiring shrewd businessman who wants to continue profiteering from fossil fuels? 

This article, unlike the many others that harp on the urgency of climate change, is just for you.

As the United Nations Secretary-General aptly puts it, “Humanity has opened the gates of hell.” Many people (including this writer) have grown increasingly alarmed by the prospects of Singapore experiencing 40 degree Celsius heat waves by 2045 or a possible one metre rise in sea levels by 2100.  

But perhaps you feel different. You look forward to more extreme rainfalls. You are apathetic to increasing heat stress disproportionately shouldered by the underprivileged. You derive joy from a hellscape of disease, displacement  and destruction. 

Fret not, there are many ways for individuals (including students) to accelerate this climate destruction. From impulsively buying that extra shirt that you know you will never wear to turning the air-conditioner temperature down to 16 degrees Celsius to experience “winter”, most actions will invariably rack up carbon emissions in Singapore and exacerbate global warming. 

Yet, each of these actions differ in their levels of destruction. After all, using a single plastic straw does not generate nearly as much carbon emissions (or even close to) as, say, flying on a private jet.

Hence, today, this writer, against the better of his judgement, will list the top three things that you can do as students to tap into your seething hate for the tofu-eating, tree-hugging, metal-straw-trotting eco-warriors and become the ultimate eco-destroyer. 

Number 3: Double Down on Meat (and Waste Food too)

Even if one ignores animal welfare concerns, food production is extremely carbon-intensive. Hence, it is no surprise that food consumption is responsible for 0.4 to 1.9 tonnes of a person’s annual carbon footprint. (For context, an average Singaporean emitted 7.9 tonnes of carbon dioxide in 2019.) 

Yet to maximise harm to the environment, one must focus where it hurts the most: meat. 

Compared to alternative protein sources, such as the vegan favourites of nuts which have a measly carbon emission of 0.43 kg for each kilogram, beef, lamb and mutton all comfortably surpass 30 kg of carbon emissions per kilogram, blowing any competition out of the water. After all, rearing animals demands huge amounts of land, water and feed while the livestock themselves releases huge amounts of methane. 

In this regard, fortune smiles at you. With the lack of any vegetarian options in the canteen, most existing meals already involve some form of meat or at the very least, eggs. But there’s always room to do more. 

The next time you are at the mixed rice stall, why not double, triple or even quadruple your meat intake? Who cares about My Healthy Plate in the first place? 

And what better way to further harm the Earth than by throwing all this food away? Assuming you’re already a carnivore, wasting food is your next best way to maximise your impact on the environment. 

After all, you would be wasting meat from an animal that was reared on deforested land and which guzzled huge quantities of resources for years before being shipped from the ends of the world. All this only to end up incinerated in a landfill. 

Alternatively, wasting your rice is another good option, since every gram of rice generates about 4.45g of carbon dioxide. In addition to consuming huge amounts of water, rice paddy fields also release enormous amounts of methane and nitrous oxide. (Nitrous oxide is 300 times more potent than carbon dioxide as a greenhouse gas.)

All in all, these individual food wastes add up to a hefty sum. In 2022, 813 000 tonnes of food were wasted in Singapore (or 2000 tonnes per day), with 82% of it being incinerated. Undoubtedly, food waste is a major source of emissions, one that you can maximise your carbon footprint in. 

Number 2: Fossil Fuel Transport 

Another major source of our personal carbon footprint would be transportation. 

Listed on the graph at the top are the actions that are the most impactful on the climate in terms of carbon emissions. This includes type of car usage (electric or petrol vehicles), frequency of car usage etc. Unfortunately, for an eco-destroyer like you, most of these actions are outside of a student’s control. 

However, there are still many ways you can contribute to the fight against the green transition. You could obviously double-down on private hire transport if you have the financial means but a more efficient way would be to bug your parents for more international holidays.

Air travel is one of the most carbon-intensive actions one can take as an individual. A single round trip from Singapore to Tokyo generates about 0.6 tonnes of CO2 per passenger, equivalent to driving a petrol vehicle more than 2900 km or 67 times across the PIE. 

Number 1: Spread the Hate

Even the most damaging individual climate actions pale in scale when compared to the humongous carbon emissions generated by corporations and governments alike. 

Hence, in order to become the ultimate eco-destroyer, one must fight the system and its green transition in his/her every circle of influence. 

For your families and friends, why not spread some misinformation about the climate transition like how renewable energy is going to cost an arm and a leg. Or maybe cast doubt on electric vehicles batteries’ environmental friendliness. 

Zooming out, be sure to make your voices heard. From amplifying anti-green and “Climate Change is a Hoax” social media messages to participating in government feedback dialogue sessions, oppose any policy that aims to protect the environment at every turn if they pose even the slightest inconvenience to your life.

Final Words

As the world hurtles towards climate disaster, governments have finally woken up. From the Singapore’s Green Plan to the Paris Climate accords, Singapore and the international community have increasingly rolled out plans to meet their net-zero emission targets. 

Yet, it is at this critical make-or-break juncture of implementation that you can effect the most harm on the environment. By slowing down the race to net-zero, you can help ensure that more carbon is pumped into the air, elevating temperatures and rewriting climatic patterns for all of posterity. 

The ball is in your court. 

Disclaimer: This article is solely meant for SATIRICAL PURPOSES. (If you had thought otherwise…)