By Azzahra Osman (22S03P), Keiran Koh (22S06M), Ting Kaily (22S03P), with contributions by Neha Rajkumar (22S03P)
It’s that time of the year again. Love is in the air: bouquets are being sold like hotcakes, restaurants are charging exorbitant prices for Valentine’s Day Specials, your Instagram stories are flooded with cheesy couple posts and… you are single. Fret not, your trustworthy love experts are here to share some secrets to spicing up your sad and non-existent romantic life just in time for the upcoming Valentine’s Day!
(Note: This guide is only applicable to you if you have someone (a.k.a. a Love Interest) in mind or if you are just tired of being single.)
Tip #1: Carry your Love Interest up 7 floors of stairs
Be it the 7 dreary flights at Raja, or the marginally less taxing A/B staircase, the school is full of painstaking stairwells. To impress your Love Interest with your physical prowess, and relieve him/her of exhaustion, simply carry him/her up the stairs (princess carry is ideal, but the fireman lift will also suffice). We do not stereotype gender roles in a relationship, so whoever is stronger will do the job!
And after an arduous climb, if you are the one being carried, you can spoon feed your dear Love Interest their lunch!
Tip #2: Treat your Love Interest to a delicious meal from Professor Brawn Cafe
Speaking of lunch, there’s no better place in RI to indulge in some scrumptious food than our very own Professor Brawn Cafe. While it is not the cheapest option, love is priceless after all (within a relatively reasonable price range). Set up a romantic lunch at one of the tables near the cages, complete with Ikea candles and a dozen stalks of roses (to signify ‘Be mine’), and of course a $4.50 fish-and-chips meal from Professor Brawn一and there you have it: the perfect date. Your Love Interest is sure to be touched by your generosity!
Tip #3: Reenact iconic couple scenes!
Korean dramas are a cornucopia of cute and adorable couple scenes. To spice up your Valentines’ Day, consider recreating iconic couple scenes from dramas and movies.
For the K-drama addicts, guys can follow in the footsteps of Yoo Shi Jin from Descendants of the Sun and tie the shoelaces of your real life Kang Mo-yeon. Otherwise, you can imitate Eun Young-ro and Lim Soo-Ho in Snowdrop and fold paper aeroplanes and write heartfelt notes on them.
The easiest romantic scene to reenact that also provides practical benefit is offering your jacket or scarf to your shivering partner in the freezing homerooms. To truly make an impact, don’t merely hand over your jacket or scarf but help them don your woolly sweater. Your act of kindness will surely warm their hearts.
If you’re more eurocentric, you can recreate some of the most cinematic couple scenes from western films. Try being Jack and Rose in real life, and recreate the iconic ‘I’m Flying’ scene from Titanic. While admiring the gorgeous sunset, the guys can hold their partner firmly from behind, interlocking your hands with each other. Rewinding back to mediaeval times, you two as a couple can roleplay as Romeo and Juliet and act out the balcony scene together. O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Tip #4: Have a double date with your PW group!
Calling all four-member Project Work (PW) groups一this is the perfect opportunity for you to go on a double date with your fellow group mates (that is, if you haven’t tried it already). One must understand that you cannot come out of PW with an attachment to only your Written Report and Oral Presentation script, but also to your dear PW business (and soon-to-be romantic) partners. Just make sure that all of your members are fully vaccinated, and you can carry on with your double date either at one of the many study spots in school or at a popular dessert place nearby. (We highly recommend Salted Caramel at Upper Thomson.)
However, if you are part of a five-member group, don’t sweat it. Instead of going on a double date, you could take turns going on dates with each of them. Treat this as an episode of Single’s Inferno – after all, you have to keep your options open!
Disclaimer: Only applicable if you do not have bad blood with your groupmates (unless you’re into the enemies-to-lovers trope, of course).
Tip #5: Send your Love Interest your notes and tutorial/assignment answers
You see your Love Interest stoop over their tutorial or assignment, stumped by the difficulty of the tutorials and is this close to setting the work on fire. Or maybe, you see your Love Interest tearing their hair out over a test they have not prepared for. Either way, this is your best chance to step in and be their hero! What would be a better way to win over someone than to help them out when they are at their most vulnerable? It has always been everyone’s dream to be someone’s knight (non gender specific) in shiny armour!
With that being said, do be wary of some potential red flags; if your Love Interest shows no signs of wanting to take your relationship with them to the next level, then it is high time to cut off the free flow of notes and tutorial answers. Nobody appreciates having a partner who only ever regards you as a free private tutor!
Tip #6: Watch your (overdue) lectures with your Love Interest
We are absolutely not calling anyone out with this tip. If you ever feel reluctant to watch your lectures, remember that you are not alone. For all you know, your dear Love Interest might not have even watched their Differential Equations lectures from three weeks ago. If overdue lectures are something that both of you have in common, why not watch them with your Love Interest? Just like listening to lectures at 2.0x speed, their interest in you will also accelerate. As Machine Gun Kelly once said to his lady-love Megan Fox, “Love is pain.”
Tip #7: Do a public proposal on Panopto Recordings
As we all know that Panopto Recordings is the main platform for Rafflesians to watch school-related videos, what is a better way to profess your love for your Love Interest other than to upload a public proposal on this very website? Once your confession is made viewable to every person with access to the Class of 2022/Class of 2023 folder, it will be clear to everyone that your Love Interest is yours and yours only. A minor obstacle is having to go through the approval of your teachers, but we are sure that as long as you have a strong personal voice (as advised by GP tutors), your public proposal will be uploaded. Here’s a short and sweet template for your proposal in case you are unsure of what to say: Dear *name of Love Interest*, will you be my darling?
Tip #8: Want to know how Pete Davidson has so many girlfriends? The secret lies in pick-up lines.
We all love somebody with a good sense of humour, so why not wow your Love Interest with original™ lines?
Imagine this: it’s a fine sunny day, the birds are chirping, and you and your Love Interest are studying together at the Windy Benches near the Mirrors. You turn to your Love Interest and ask, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” They look back at you incredulously and a beat later, you reply, “It’s you.” To wrap it up, you give your Love Interest your most flirtatious wink and blow them a kiss.
Other pick-up lines that you can use at various locations around the school include:
- [Shaw Foundation Library] “Babe, you are the story of my life.” (Cue One Direction’s Story of my life ;) )
- [Science Labs] “Our affinity to each other is just as strong as the haemoglobin’s affinity to carbon monoxide.”
- [HP Block] “I’m studying the Arts but I’d rather study you because you are a work of art.”
- [Raja Block] “Mr S. Rajaratnam made history in Singapore, while I want to make history with you.”
- [Waiting Area] “I will wait for you forever.”
- [Lecture Halls] “I wish you were giving a lecture because I can listen to your voice for hours.”
On a note of caution, do not overdo the pick-up lines, or your chance at love might be blown away by the wind at the Windy Benches.
Tip #9: Slide into your fellow OG Mate’s DMs
Many of us have had the experience of being starstruck by one of our orientation group (OG) members over the course of what is known as orientation (Ori). Although it is a common view that Ori only forms fleeting relationships, sliding into your OG mates’ DMs is a surefire way of preserving such connections, which could eventually lead to romance. Be casual, and treat the direct message platform on Instagram like it’s Wonderland. Soon enough, you’ll be talking to them until Crepúsculo (twilight). Remember that timeliness is key, and it is best to do this as soon as Ori ends (yes, we’re talking to you, year 5s), before your Love Interest becomes just another face in a crowd of 2400 people. After all, it is no coincidence that the last day of Ori falls on 14 February…
Other Romantic Things You Can Do:
Tip #10: Serenade your Love Interest on the link bridge between Block A and B
Nothing is more romantic than belting out Love Story by Taylor Swift on the Link Bridge as your Love Interest watches you starry-eyed from the garden below.
(We are not liable for any issue of conduct slip for being a public nuisance on school grounds)
Tip #11: The C in Chill stands for Care(Packages)
Highly recommended if your Love Interest’s love language is receiving gifts or if you are trying to seek their attention under the guise of showing concern for them. At the same time, you will be winning the affections of the aunties at Chill. Talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Tip #12: Can’t afford a date to Gardens by the Bay? Consider taking your Love Interest on a romantic walk at the almost equivalent Biodiversity Pond
Despite the walk being rather short, the fascinating wildlife of terrapins and fish, coupled with the sweet-smelling aroma emitting from the flora there, certainly makes the Biodiversity Pond an ideal dating spot.
Tip #13: Tried and Tested Route
The classic Valentines’ day gift of flowers and chocolates can’t go wrong, unless your crush is allergic to them, or to you.
And last but not least,
Tip #14: When all else fails…throw a coin into the Wishing Well
February 14 is coming to an end and you have already exhausted all means of winning your Love Interest over but strangely, you’re still alone. As you stand at the Wishing Well and look down at the foyer below with a 50-cents coin clutched tightly in your hand, you make a silent desperate wish that your Love Interest will have a change of heart overnight and fall head over heels for you. Hesitantly, you let the coin fall to the ground and hear it clink as it makes contact with the ceramic floor, before rolling, shockingly, into the nearby drain. That’s it. You have used up your one last chance. Now, you can only wait and hope that your wish comes true.
As the saying goes, “Hold pens not hands”. Even if your relationship with your Love Interest does not work out, you can still count on Ivy and Panopto to be there for you. Always.
Love, your three romance guidance counsellors.
This article is a work of satire. In all seriousness, no matter how or who you spend it with, we wish you a very delightful Valentine’s Day.
One thought on “Cupid’s Special: A Hopeless Romantic’s Guide to Escaping the Single Life in RI”
HAHAHHAHAHHAH I LOVE THIS ARTICLE. At least now I know how to spend my 18th vday alone <3