By Teo Hui Sian (25S06C), Kondareddy Iniya (25S03E), Peer Helper

Your resident Aunties and Uncles are back with our Ask Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset column, this time as a collaboration between Raffles Press and Peer Helpers’ Programme (PHP)! Ever wanted to rant about that someone you just can’t stand? Overwhelmed with too many feelings? Submit your confessions to https://tinyurl.com/RIAAUU and we’ll give them our best shot. This column will be published at the end of every month.

Dear Distressed David,

You’re not alone. Anyone can feel this way – and many already have, at some point in their JC lives. Everyone hates me. It could have started off as a lingering, subconscious thought, kindled by some passive-aggressive comment. Now, it’s what pervades the entirety of your inner monologue. It’s a thought that is both excruciatingly painful and isolating. When everyone else seems to simply possess an innate ability to click and get along, it’s natural to wonder if it really is you against the entire world. 

Regardless of where this friction stems from, or how these feelings first took root in your mind, they’re valid and worth exploring. It is undoubtedly unbearable for everyday interactions to turn into stress-inducing affairs, after which you overanalyze, panic, and withdraw even more. Before assuming the worst, however, give yourself a moment to breathe – this situation is not hopeless. For when it truly feels like it’s just you against absolutely everyone in your class, here are 8 tips you can consider: 

1: Talk to someone you trust

First, talk to someone about what you’re feeling. Keeping feelings of insecurity, anxiety, or fear bottled up can make them feel even heavier. While vulnerability may seem intimidating, expressing your emotions to someone you trust can be incredibly relieving. You might be surprised at how much lighter you feel just by sharing your thoughts.

Support can come from many places—CCA-mates, friends outside of class or school, teachers, siblings, peer helpers, or school counselors. These people are always willing to listen and help, so don’t be afraid to reach out to them, especially if your emotions are having a negative impact on your daily life. 

If you are hesitant to reach out, the most important thing to remember is that you are not alone. These emotions are more common than you think, and chances are, some of your friends have faced similar struggles within their own classes. A moment of honesty to the right person could even help you realise that you’re not the only one feeling this way.

2: Look for the root cause

As much as this is an emotional problem, it’s worth dissecting from a logical standpoint. Hate is a strong word. Are there truly any reasons to think your classmates hate you? Take a step back and analyze why you think this way – for one, consider if these thoughts actually originate from a misunderstanding. Afterall, when such strong emotions are involved, the fine line between evidence and speculation often becomes blurred. 

Do your classmates truly seem distant? Observe their behaviour – are they actively avoiding you or could it have been unintentional? Amidst our busy schedules, it’s easy to overlook the way we interact with others. Your classmates might simply be preoccupied with their own commitments rather than intentionally distancing themselves from you. If that is the case, consider having an open conversation to clear the air. 

If you do find that there is some undesirable, underlying tension between you and your classmates, then you could reflect on why. 

 3: Reflect on your relationships

“Have I done something wrong?”  This is certainly a difficult question—but we understand that it’s natural to wonder if you’ve played some role in landing yourself in such an unfortunate situation. The truth is, maybe, or maybe not! Either way, the first step is to be honest with yourself. Is there anything you may have said or done that might have upset your classmates? Sometimes, we can unintentionally rub people the wrong way without realizing it. 

To further narrow down where this friction emerged, ask yourself: Have your classmates always acted the same way towards you? Has there been a noticeable shift in their attitudes recently? If so, could there have been something you said or did during that time that led to such a shift? 

Ask someone you trust for honest feedback, reflect on your behaviour, and perhaps even draw out possible patterns if you realise that this isn’t an isolated incident. But do note, you need not villainize yourself to explain why you don’t get along with someone else. Social situations are complex and sometimes, people just have their own cliques, biases, or bad moods, and it has nothing to do with you – either way, reflection on your relationships is needed to inform what you choose to do next.

4: Make efforts to connect with your classmates 

Upon reflection, you may realize that you haven’t had much interaction with your classmates at all. Remember that the lack of interaction doesn’t mean that they hate you or dislike you—they just might be unsure of how to reach out. 

If you tend to be shy or quiet and aren’t very proactive in initiating conversations, your classmates might find it difficult to approach you. Perhaps, they’re equally as hesitant to open up.  Take the first step by joining conversations and making small talk instead of distancing yourself based on your preconceived judgements about their attitudes toward you. You might be surprised at how open others are once you give them a chance.

5: Change your internal narrative

When interacting with your classmates, it’s also important to know that your internal narrative is salient to how you may perceive each interaction. In modern slang, you could even refer to this as manifestation. Afterall, if your internal dialogue is constantly preaching “my entire class hates me (x10)”, that belief is bound to corrupt your reality, and eventually, become reality.  

Imagine walking into your classroom and greeting a group of classmates with a simple ‘hello’, except they don’t respond. If you already believe that your classmates dislike you, your mind starts searching for evidence to confirm that belief—even when it’s not true. That means that instead of considering neutral or positive explanations, your mind immediately jumps to “They ignored me on purpose. They probably think my voice is annoying. No one wants me here..” That leads you to stop greeting your classmates entirely, which only weakens your relationships with your classmates even further.

Oftentimes, we may even get stuck in a negative mindset that just makes everything feel worse. Instead of assuming the worst, try shifting your perspective. Perhaps they didn’t hear you. Perhaps they had their earpiece in to catch up on their lectures. Maybe they were stressed about an Economics class test that day. Minor changes in thinking can help free you from a cycle of negativity and may open the door to more positive interactions.

6: You cannot force friendships

While the above tips can help foster more positive interactions, they aren’t promised. In almost every aspect of school life, in relationships between individuals and within groups, it can be infuriating to realize that friendships are broken or completely prevented in the first place for the maddeningly uncomplicated reason: “Sorry, we just don’t vibe.” 

It’s natural to have a desire to be liked and to fit in, but the truth is that we will never have complete control over how people perceive us. It’s also near impossible to control who ends up in your class, and even more impossible to control whether or not you’ll ‘click’ with them – but no one’s to blame for this. Maybe your personalities aren’t compatible, your interests don’t align, or they already have established friendships. Sometimes, people gravitate toward certain groups for reasons that you can’t even understand. Even with the best intentions, you won’t be able to make everyone like you. 

If this is what is happening with your classmates, you need to acknowledge that perhaps, you don’t ‘click’ with them, and vice versa. After all, you don’t want to force a friendship with people you aren’t truly compatible with. Even if you manage to find your way into a group that doesn’t share your values, interests, or personality, you’ll likely end up feeling even more isolated—just in a different way. True friendships should feel natural and fulfilling, not like a constant effort to be someone you’re not.

7: Prioritise self worth

While the opinions of others are something we’ll never have complete control over, what we can control is how we see ourselves and the ways in which we choose to respond to difficult situations. 

One, instead of exhausting yourself trying to win over people who don’t appreciate you, focus on those who do. Strengthen your social circles from CCA, secondary school, volunteering, etc. and make sure to reinforce the friendships you already have. Surrounding yourself with peers that you enjoy being around will remind you that there are people who appreciate your presence. 

Two, prioritize self-improvement. It’s a cliche, but it’s true – work on becoming the best version of yourself; not to impress others, but for your own personal development. Go the extra mile in your interests, carry yourself with confidence, and invest more effort into your existing relationships.   

8: Remember that JC is just one short chapter of your life. 

Your seniors may insist that JC is the time where you’ll form all the life-long friendships you’ll ever need, and assembly talks may seem to just go on about making the most out of your JC experience (or regret it for the rest of your life). And while this may be reality for some, your two years in JC will certainly not define the friendships you’ll form after you graduate. 

Without close bonds with classmates, you may feel that your social circle or ‘network’ is inadequate, or that you’ve lost the prime opportunity to get to know new people. The truth is, JC is only one chapter in our lives. Our social scenes are bound to expand dramatically when we set off to university or begin working – and this is when many friendships that truly matter will take flight. In the later part of our lives, where people are more mature and open to deeper connections, you’ll meet more people who will appreciate you for who you are. 

When it feels like it’s just you against the world…

A final word of advice: unlike what our headline implies, it’s never really you against the world. It might feel that way sometimes, especially when conflicts compound, solutions seem sparse, and the road ahead looks lonely. But more often than not, there are people who care, who have gone through the same struggles, and who are willing to help – if not in your class, they’ll be found in CCA, at home, or around campus. 

Sincerely,

Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset

If you need anyone to talk to about any issues you might be facing, do drop by My Rest Space near Marymount gate and talk to one of our peer helpers! We’re open on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 3 – 5 p.m., and Wednesday 11.00 a.m. – 1.00 p.m.If you would like to meet a peer helper on a regular basis, do email us a request at rafflesinstitutionphp@gmail.com or fill in our request form at our website: https://rafflesinstitution5.wixsite.com/rafflespeerhelpers