By Nurul Iman (25S03C) and Kimberly Teo Li En (25S06J, Peer Helper)

Your resident Aunties and Uncles are back with our Ask Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset column, this time as a collaboration between Raffles Press and Peer Helpers’ Programme (PHP)! Ever wanted to rant about that someone you just can’t stand? Overwhelmed with too many feelings? Submit your confessions to https://tinyurl.com/RIAAUU and we’ll give them our best shot. This column will be published at the end of every month.

Dear Tracy,

Everyone has been in your shoes at least once in their lifetime. There will always be that one person that you just can’t vibe with and that’s perfectly understandable

In fact, I have had an experience with a situation just like this. A person in my life did not respect boundaries, which made many people uncomfortable to be around them. A few people have spoken to them about this but the message didn’t seem to get through.

[can define that person here in modern terms]

 We then resorted to distancing ourselves, albeit forcefully. This person was adamant about chasing my friends and me down but eventually, they started to give us space and showed more sensitivity in their behaviour.

But what happens when that person becomes unavoidable? They start to penetrate your social circle and you end up spending more time with them than you’d like. You start to wonder whether getting your blood pressure up every time they say or do something you disagree with is worth your time and energy or if you should just cut them out. 

How do you deal with their behaviour without being a bad person to them? 

Don’t worry, we’ll help you get through it!

Scope the Issue

Try not to rush to call a minor disagreement a problem. Gather more information by observing interactions between yourself and that person. Perhaps what initially disturbed you was just a one-off occurrence and it wasn’t as big a deal as you thought. You could also ask people around you if they have observed or experienced the same behaviour from that person. Hearing others’ opinions may help you gain a better perspective to understand that person more.

Let Them Know

It may be difficult for you to start a conversation on such a sensitive topic. However, taking such a first step is key to bridging the rift in understanding between you and that person. This may seem daunting, as you might not know what to expect of their response. However, sometimes it is necessary to have a genuine heart-to-heart conversation to address the issue upfront. It helps if they consider you their friend, as they might be more receptive to your disgruntled sharing. 

You can try citing incidents where you disapproved of their behaviour, and let them understand clearly how you felt. It is very important to be as specific as possible when describing what exactly in their behaviour or treatment towards others you were uncomfortable with.

Keep to observable facts and use “I” sentences such as “I felt this way when you…” to prevent making the other person the ‘bad guy’. Focus on behaviours the other person can change, such as being intrusive of other people’s boundaries and interrupting others’ conversations. Don’t attack parts of their personality that they cannot control such as their appearance or the way they speak. Stay calm and composed and don’t outrightly accuse them of something that they may not have intended to do or say!

Don’t expect them to have an appropriate response right away; they might get defensive, or may silently process the information. Give them some time to mull over your words, and maybe check back with them the next day.

Consult a Mutual Friend

This is perhaps one of the more comfortable avenues for action. When you’re met with a problem, an instinct is to consult those whom you are close to and can share your emotions freely with. A friend with a neutral standpoint could bring new insights to the table and share an observer’s perspective on the issue. 

Involving a neutral third party in the communications process may also prove useful in approaching your friend in a more favourable and less confrontational way. A third person can help to mediate as well as keep things calm, should the conversation go out of hand. Additionally, if a third person highlights the issue to that friend, they might finally see the extent of the issue and take active steps to address it.

Try Asking for Space

We get it. Sometimes, it’s truly too much. 

When that happens, perhaps the most non-confrontational method to handle the situation is to distance yourself. Hang out with a different group of people for a while, or just take some time away to do something that you enjoy. Hiding out in the library to catch up on lectures is also a more time-efficient alternative. Taking some time away might be beneficial to the situation.

Not only do you avoid possibly aggravating the relationship between that person and you, but you both may have space to reflect on certain things. Your sudden absence may prompt that person to reconsider their actions. When they’re ready, you can probably see small changes in their behaviour which means that your words were finally heard!

As for yourself, some time away from that person will allow you to let off some steam and calm down before trying to tackle the problem again. Maybe then you can calmly discuss the issue with that person and have a more productive discussion about how to go from there.

Of course, try not to resort to cutting them out of your life completely! There is always a possibility that your relationship with them could change for the better. Even if you truly can’t stand them anymore, do try to make them understand your point of view before resorting to bailing on your friendship. People aren’t perfect so don’t blame them for having some flaws – no matter how annoying those flaws are.

The line between annoying and toxic behaviour is sometimes hard to navigate, but don’t worry! We can help you differentiate these behaviours with a simple imagery device you can use to remember. Imagine a stoplight with green, yellow and red colours.

• Green light behaviour is usually quite easy to distinguish; loyalty, ready to provide support, and always there for you.
• Yellow light behaviour is where the annoying behaviour falls; always eavesdropping, crossing boundaries without invitation, and interrupting conversations. These are behaviours that can be changed so you can call that person out if they continuously display this type of behaviour to the point when you’ve become very disturbed by it. 
• Finally, red light behaviour should not be tolerated and is a valid reason to cut people out of your life permanently; forcing you to do things you are uncomfortable with, using you or your status for their advantage, and causing harm to your mental well-being. Carefully pick which category the behaviour of that person falls into and plan your course of action accordingly.

So truly, patience is key. Problems like these aren’t solved overnight.

We may not be able to control how those around us act or behave, but we can control our reactions to them. We can choose who to have around us to keep positive energy around us throughout our lives. Life is short, so choose the best people to keep your life bright and cheerful!

Sincerely, 

Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset

If you need anyone to talk to about any issues you might be facing, do drop by My Rest Space near Marymount gate and talk to one of our peer helpers! We’re open on Monday, Tuesday, Thurs and Friday from 3pm – 5 p.m., Wednesday from 11.00 a.m. – 1.00 p.m. If you would like to meet a peer helper on a regular basis, do email us a request at rafflesinstitutionphp@gmail.com or fill in our request form at our website https://rafflesinstitution5.wixsite.com/rafflespeerhelpers/peer-helping-request!