By Kunchur Bharat (26A01B) and Elisa Lim (25S07A, Peer Helper)
Your resident Aunties and Uncles are back with our Ask Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset column, this time as a collaboration between Raffles Press and Peer Helpers’ Programme (PHP)! Ever wanted to rant about that someone you just can’t stand? Overwhelmed with too many feelings? Submit your confessions to https://tinyurl.com/RIAAUU and we’ll give them our best shot. This column will be published at the end of every month.
“I’m really sad when my friends use self-deprecating language, especially because it’s not normal in the real world but seems insanely common in JC. What can I do?
– Nervous Nate
Dear Nervous Nate,
Keeping your spirits up in JC is challenging as it is. Balancing grades with CCA commitments and maintaining a social circle (possibly even with new friends whom you’re not as familiar with) can be overwhelming. Being surrounded by friends talking negatively about themselves can eliminate a potential source of comfort, further exacerbating the stress of JC life.
Self-deprecating language (SDL) takes many forms in a school environment. I’m sure you’re no stranger to hearing, “Oh, I’m definitely failing this subject” or “I’m so locked out” echoing through the corridor (we’re guilty of this one too), and it has nearly become our primary mode of lamenting about the challenges that plague our everyday lives. However, beyond these more explicit displays of negative self-talk, subtler instances of SDL also permeate our conversations.
Think back, perhaps, to the last time that you ended a text or conversation with, “I could be wrong though,” even though you were entirely confident in your response. This prompts the question: why do we express our struggles in such a roundabout way? And, why do we feel the need to constantly undermine our self-esteem in an environment that is already as challenging as JC?
An Illusory Coping Mechanism
SDL becomes a convenient way for friends to vent their issues—framing it with a humorous undertone that doesn’t raise too many eyebrows. The dark and ironically assumed humour that often accompanies SDL is what makes it particularly appealing to many. Not only is it a way to confront issues that may be troubling you, but it can also draw out a few gratifying laughs that serve as a much-needed pick-me-up during tough times. After all, how much harm can a few jokes at your expense cause, especially when you’re the one making them?
What results from this, however, is an illusion. An illusion of superficial control over a much deeper struggle. This may even hinder you from fully acknowledging your emotions as they are continuously trivialized. What may begin as a few humorous remarks can quickly spiral into a toxic negative feedback loop that amplifies existing insecurities and diminishes your self-esteem. Hence, while it may give the illusion of reclaiming control over one’s insecurities, the reality is quite the opposite, as a fear of being truly vulnerable remains.
To this end, those who struggle with vocalizing deep-rooted insecurities may resort to SDL as a “shield” against potential insults from others – “I’ll insult myself first before anyone else can get to me.” However, the more they criticize themselves, the harder it becomes to confront and overcome their insecurities.
It Makes For Good Conversation
It’s important to recognise as well that SDL is but a part of a larger web of interconnected social phenomena; one that perhaps points towards larger issues with the way that we perceive ourselves and process our emotions at an adolescent age. The pervasiveness of SDL is due in large part to a common desire to assimilate amongst your peers.
SDL use can be an avenue for bonding where common concerns and anxieties such as feeling inadequate or ill-prepared for the future can be used as grounds to form connections with each other. In some perverse way, the social connection that comes from being in a group where everyone is speaking in a deprecating manner about themselves can “cancel out” the blow to your self-esteem that SDL can cause, further incentivising its use.
At some level, these instances of releasing common frustrations with oneself in a group setting can lead to a temporary feeling of satisfaction and support. However, as mentioned earlier, this release doesn’t necessarily allow you to process your emotions, but rather trivialises them.
A Call for Help
Frequent SDL could also be a silent call for help. While we have made progress in making the conversation around mental health more open, a stigma against opening up and having serious conversations about our struggles still prevails. Furthermore, the notion that one’s problems may be too trivial for a proper conversation may prevent them from reaching out to their friends out of fear of ‘burdening’ them. For some, rather than being direct, it may be easier to worry their friends into eventually popping the question: “Are you really okay?” Even then, the circumstance may be too awkward for an honest discussion about one’s feelings, leading to a superficial chase of encouragement or concern, rendering SDL an ineffective method of signalling your worries to your friends.
What Can I Do About It?
It may be extremely daunting to react to your friends upon hearing them talk down about themselves or poke fun at their personal issues. However, we can react to it appropriately and in a way that not only stops the culture of self-deprecation but also addresses your friends’ emotional challenges and needs.
Firstly, acknowledging their issues is extremely important. If mere encouragement is used as a consistent solution for their self-deprecation, it would only lead to a vicious cycle: them using self-deprecating language to express their emotional distress while you merely ‘encourage’ them, without actually dealing with the root problem and journeying with them through whatever they are facing. Many people who use self-deprecation as a form of expression, seek to be understood and to talk about their struggles yet do not know how to or do not wish to initiate a serious and sombre conversation.
As their friend, if you can see that they are struggling, acknowledge it and encourage them to seriously share their issues with you, assure them that they are not alone and listen to what they have to say. This will not only make them feel seen, but they would feel as though their emotions are acknowledged and validated, knowing that it is okay to feel this way and to take some time to recuperate and recharge even during the busy JC lifestyle.
Additionally, treating their issues with sensitivity and respect will slowly make everyone realise that serious personal issues and struggles should not be made into casual jokes. Instead, it should highlight the importance of opening up to friends for emotional support and normalise those occasional sombre and serious conversations about the issues that you all face. Not only will this build camaraderie, it will make your friends realise that they are not alone in the issues they are confronted with!
Secondly, lead by example and stop trivialising your emotional struggles. The use of self-deprecating language is common in JC as most people are too busy to fully acknowledge or even process some of their more negative emotions. This leads to the trivialisation of their emotions.
Additionally, there is a very real fear of depending or imposing on people with their problems. Many people believe that JC is busy and stressful enough, thus preventing them from sharing their problems with their friends due to the fear of adding more onto their friends’ plates. However, it is completely normal to struggle in JC and it is vital that everyone has a support system that they can rely on to share their issues.
As many may say, you can double your joy and halve your sorrow with your friends. This is absolutely true when it comes to sharing your problems seriously and constructively, as getting your issues off your chest is essential in getting the burden off you! By creating a culture of genuine trust and sharing of issues, all of your friends will also feel more comfortable sharing about their struggles and be more open to seriously confiding in you instead of merely making self-deprecating jokes.
We hope these tips will help you the next time you overhear your friends using self-deprecating language. And, if you have caught yourself making a spiel of self-deprecating jokes during a rough patch, remember that you owe it to yourself to love yourself, and that you deserve some love no matter what. We wish you the best of luck with JC!
Till next time,
Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset
Author’s Note:
The author would like to make the distinction between “trauma bonding”, which was used incorrectly in earlier paragraphs and the process of “bonding over trauma.”
For more information feel free to read here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/basics/trauma-bonding/amp
